Sweeney Todd: The Bipolar Parody of Fleet Street
by Velvet Liquor
Summary: The brooding misadventures of a depressive barber. Join Sweeney Todd as he gets sucked into a jaw-breaker, Anthony hides in Johanna's closet, and Spiderman joins Sweeney to destroy a killer lump of dough in Mrs. lovett's bakery. Sweeney/EVERYONE
1. Shut up! Michael Bolton is MANLY!

(Suddenly, we are seen on a ship. And not just _any_ ship, it's a great big gloomy, fog-enshrouded ship. After all, this _is _a Tim Burton film, people. God forbid we have actual _color_. The gloomy, colorless, manic depressive camerazooms in on a tall, gorgeous young man with light, flowing hair, who keeps making "sexy" faces at the gloomy, colorless, manic depressive camera, and is also sporting a neon pink "Real Men Sparkle" jacket. He is presumably gay.)

Anthony: (Fluffs hair)

_I have seen the world, beheld its splendors_

_From obese Americans to Obama's Dumbo ears_

_But there's no place like London!_

(The gloomy, colorless, manic depressive camera now zooms in on a pale, disgruntled man who looks like he's wearing a dead skunk on his head, and has circles under his eyes that go all the way to his knees, but who is also surprisingly sexy to his enormous fan base, although he is old enough to be more than half of their fathers.)

Sweeney Todd:

_NO, THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE LONDON!!!_

Anthony: LE GASP! You _sing_? Oh, I've found my soul mate!!! Oh, Mr. Todd! Isn't London just the most beautiful place in the entire world? I mean, what, with all the disease, poverty, and not to mention that Jack The Ripper fellow offing all them prostitutes, I just think it's the most spectacular city ever!

Sweeney Todd: You also thought that kangaroo you rescued me from back in Australia was Hugh Jackman.

Anthony: It was an honest mistake! They both have tight buns. You ever seen _Wolverine: Origins_? (Seductive wink)

Sweeney Todd: I don't care about Mutant Boy! I'm trying to be EMO here!!!

_There was a barber and his wife_

_And she was so damn hot…_

_A moron barber and his wife_

_She was the sexiest thing in his life_

_And she was beautiful_

_And she was so dirty…_

_And he got-_

_Screwed..._

(Spoken)

And when I say _screwed_, Anthony, I don't mean sexy time.

Anthony: Awwwww…and here I was, having fun little images of you licking hot oil off of someone's back…

Sweeney Todd: Anyway…

(Sweeney and Anthony get off the gloomy, colorless, manic depressive ship, and therefore enter the gloomy, colorless, manic depressive streets of London, full of gloomy, colorless, manic depressive citizens)

Sweeney Todd: So, Anthony…

Anthony: (Moves uncomfortably close to Sweeney and bats over exaggerated long, neon purple eyelashes at him) Yes, Mr. Todd?

Sweeney Todd: If you hadn't picked me up when you did, those kangaroos might've had their way with me after all…

Anthony: Mr. T, what did those kangaroos do to you to make you so twitchy whenever anyone mentions them?

Sweeney Todd: I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT!!! (Angst, angst, angst)

Anthony: So, what happened to that smokin' delicious barber and his woman?

Sweeney Todd:

_But there was this old pedophile, who also saw_

_That she was so damn hot…_

_And with an overdrawn sigh_

_He left the dumbass barber to die_

_And get mauled by kangaroos…_

_**FLASHBACK!!!!!!!!!!**_

Benjamin Barker: Hey, Lucy, when we get home, you know what we should do?

Lucy: Bathe in chocolate sauce and lick each other clean?

Benjamin Barker: Well, I _was_ going to say we should just play the Wii, but I do have a craving for a chocolate Sunday.

(Judge Turpin can be seen talking to the Beadle)

Turpin: Hey, Beadle, you know what we should do?

Beadle: Rub whip cream all over our bodies, and then go at it?

Turpin: No…I meant we should send that wicked sexy barber to Australia to live with the kangaroos, all so I can nail his totally hot wife.

Beadle: But you have to accuse him of something first.

Turpin: Hmmm…AHA! I HAVE A PLAN!

(Skip to Benjamin Barker and Lucy. Suddenly, a crumpled up wad of paper can be seen sailing through the air, hitting Benjamin Barker on the head)

Benjamin Barker: (Unfolds the note and begins to read it) "Unfortunate prostitutes and various scumbag of Fleet Street, I have come to rape your chocolate-covered kittens!" Wait, what-

Judge Turpin: (Jumps out from behind the bush with the entire British police force) BENJAMIN BARKER! Raping chocolate-covered kittens?! Not on my watch! And in front of your wife, too! Who is looking most lovely in that nearly see-through corset, I might add…

Benjamin Barker: I was just reading this note! I didn't even-

Judge Turpin: ARREST HIM!

Random Police Officer: Um…ok. (Smacks Benjamin Barker with a ham)

Judge Turpin: Where the hell did you find a ham?!

Random Police Officer: Well, you didn't expect me to hit him with an _actual _blunt object, did you? This is a movie, for God's sake!

Judge Turpin: (Sigh) Fine, then. Just take him away.

Random Police Officer: Ok. (Hits Benjamin Barker with the ham again)

Benjamin Barker: (Enters into dazed state, whereby the entire British police force proceeds to drag him away)

Judge Turpin: So, seeing as how your husband's going to be some kangaroo's bitch from now on...

Lucy: (Look of horrified sorrow) I'll never see my beloved husband again, and my dear Johanna will never know her father! (Now returns to her shopping)

_**PRESENT TIME!!!**_

Anthony: Hmmm…I get the strange feeling that this _actually _happened…

Sweeney Todd: (Rolls eyes) Goodbye, Anthony.

(Whereby our disgruntled barber exits, leaving our young, flamboyant, pretty-boy sailor to dream about Edward Cullen and Michael Bolton)

Anthony: What? Michael Bolton is sexy, right?

Director: XD

Anthony: SCREW YOU! MICHAEL BOLTON IS MANLY!!!  (Prances off down the streets)

* * *

**_AUTHORS NOTE:_**

**New story! :D**

**Will Anthony ever realize that Michael Bolton is only sexy for middle aged women in their mid-life crisis?**

**Will Sweeney ever come to terms with what happened between him and his kangaroo captors?**

**And what _really_ went down at Judge Turpin's crib?**

**Find out in the next issue of _Sweeney Todd: The Bipolar Parody of Fleet Street_!**

**R&R please.**


	2. Appendix Pie Coming Right Up!

(And so the angry barber left the young, Edward Cullen obsessed sailor to travel down the streets of London. Soon, he came upon a rather dismal looking pie shop.)

Sweeney Todd: (Remembering Mrs. Lovett. Tiptoeing) Please don't let her be home…please don't let her be home…

Mrs. Lovett: **HOLY HELL, A BLEEDIN' CUSTOMER!!! **(Flips over an unseen oven and starts trying to undress Sweeney)

Sweeney Todd: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! GET OFF!!! (Sprays Mrs. Lovett with pepper spray)

Mrs. Lovett: 'Ow 'bout a pie? It'll lift your spirits up, that they will! (Shoves a pie into his mouth)

(Now Mrs. Lovett's meat pies were no treat. After oh-so-conveniently discovering that her cellar was connected to the sewer, she began setting up traps for the sewer rats brave enough to venture into her bake house. It is even believed that she traveled down into the sewer and ambushed the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while down there. Poor little Leonardo has not been heard from since. Needless to say, her customers were _**NOT **_pleased.)

Sweeney Todd: (Spits the pie out) **EGAD!!!!!!!****WHAT THE HELL IS **_**THAT?!**_ (Points to the pie lump on the floor, which has started to dissolve the wooden floor beneath it.)

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, that? Don't you fret yourself, love. That's just one o' me ol' customer's appendix. Coughed it up after eatin' one o' me pies, he did.

Sweeney: _**EWWWWWWWWWWW!!! **_(Starts to leave)

Mrs. Lovett: _**NO, YOU DON'T!!! **_(Grabs Sweeney and duct tapes him to a random chair that just popped out of nowhere)

Sweeney Todd: Where the hell did you find duct tape in 1800's London?

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, I got me self connections, that I do.

_Wait, what's yer rush, what's yer hurry?_

_All me customers seems to like to scurry_

_You gave me such a fright, dear_

_Walkin' in with yer Frankenstein style hair_

_Would you like a pie, sir?_

Sweeney Todd: (Shakes head vigorously)

Mrs. Lovett:

_But there's no one comes in even to inhale_

_They say me pies is too damn stale, sir_

_Mind you I can 'ardly blame them!_

_These are probably the worst pies in London!_

_After all, me Teenage Turtle pie_

_Made the last one choke and die!_

_THE WORST PIES IN LONDON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

Sweeney Todd: Is this seriously how you advertise to your customers?

Mrs. Lovett: What customers? You the only one been in 'ere for months. But imagine 'ow 'appy this is made me! Now I got me self a nice, strong lad to help me bake the pies…

Sweeney: Is that some sort of freaky sexual innuendo for "Let's have sex?"

Mrs. Lovett: Take it 'ow you want to, love.

Sweeney: Listen, I didn't come in here for pies-

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, God in heaven! You _did_ come in 'ere to give me some!

Sweeney: No! I just came to…um…visit the Barkers…who are my father's mother's goldfish's…cousins…seven times removed.

Mrs. Lovett: Is that even possible?

Sweeney Todd: DUH.

Mrs. Lovett: Well, who can argue with that kind o' logic? C'mon, love. I got somethin' to show you. (Begins to drag Sweeney by a loose strand of duct tape all the way upstairs)

Sweeney Todd: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! I JUST WANT TO SEE LUCY!!!!!!!! HELP! SHE'S GONNA RAPE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ominous Music: Tolling!

Mrs. Lovett: No! Hush up, down there! Not ev'ry second o' this movie needs to 'ave ominous music tolling in the bloody background.

Ominous Music: Um…_not_…tolling?

Mrs. Lovett: That's more like it!

Sweeney Todd: PLEASE! SOMEONE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!! RAPE!!!!!!

Director: Sweeney, it's not rape.

Sweeney Todd: What the hell are you talking about?! Of course it's bloody rape!

Director: No, it's not, because secretly you're going to enjoy it. I mean, you haven't been laid in fifteen years. Well, if you don't count the kangaroos, that is…

Mrs. Lovett: Ooh...sir, you're into the animals?! Bloody hell, this is going to be more kinky than I thought!

Sweeney Todd: DX

**Oh...bestiality. Gross. XD**

**And the kangaroos. Heh.**

**Anyway...**

**Will Mrs. Lovett really "rape" Sweeney?**

**What exactly caused the man who ate Mrs. Lovett's pie to cough up his appendix?**

**And what exactly happened to Lucy and Johanna?**

**R&R please. :)**


	3. Kung Fu Fighting Cockroaches

Mrs. Lovett: (Stops dragging Sweeney up the stairs.) Never mind you, love. We can't be goin' up there.

Sweeney: Why not?

Mrs. Lovett: They say it's haunted.

Sweeney: By what?

(Suddenly, a ridiculous-looking ghost flies down the stairs, and the jingle for "Casper, the Friendly Ghost" starts playing)

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, well by him, too, but that's not wot I'm talkin' 'bout. I mean the barber and his family wot used to live up there.

_There was a barber and his wife_

_And he was smokin' hot_

_A proper artist with a knife_

_But they sent him to live with kangaroos for life_

_And he was beautiful!_

Sweeney: (Look of blatant ignorance) What was his crime?

Mrs. Lovett: Well, I 'eard from Mrs. Moony that there was all this fuss 'bout raping chocolate-covered kittens, whatever that's supposed to mean.

Sweeny: (Scowl)

Mrs. Lovett: (Flashback can be seen while she's singing)

Lucy: (Looks out the window, only to see Judge Turpin holding out flowers to her, who then proceeds to point to her, then to himself, and them make humping motions)

_He had this wife you see_

_Ugly little thing, frumpy little git_

_Had no song in the flashback 'cause she couldn't sing_

_Poor thing! Poor thing!_

_There was this creeper judge, you see_

_Wanted her like mad_

_Ev'ry day he set out to stalk her_

_But did he ever get to knock her?_

_Sat up there sobbin' off her rocker_

_Poor fool!_

_Ah, but the juiciest part's yet to come, poor thing_

Sweeney: (Dipping his head into a large bowl of popcorn, despite the fact that his limbs are incased in duct tape)

Mrs. Lovett:

(The Beadle is staring at Lucy from a nearby bush)

_The Beadle stalks the poor dear all night_

_Poor thing! Poor thing!_

_The judge, he tells her, is all contrite_

_Blames himself for sendin' her husband on that Australian flight_

_He must undo her corset tonight!_

_Poor thing! Poor thing!_

(The Beadle leads Lucy to Judge Turpin's house)

_Of course when she goes there, poor thing, poor thing_

_There havin' this ball all in masks_

_She figures there's no one she knows there, poor dear, poor thing_

_So walks around flashin' people and drinks_

_The judge ain't a sexual deviant, she thinks, poor thing_

_Oh why is the Judge takin' Viagra?_

Judge Turpin: (Devious grin)

_He was stiff, all right_

_Only not so contrite!_

Judge Turpin: Well, I don't want to seem suspicious, so…(Dances over to the couch where Lucy is resting on, then randomly jumps on top of her)

Lucy: (Drunk) Who the fuck are you?!

Judge Turpin: Um…Santa. (Rapes)

_She wasn't no match for the pill, you see_

_And ev'ryone thought it so droll_

_He figured she needed her fill, you see_

_So banged her until she was killed, you see_

_Poor soul! Poor thing!_

Sweeney: (Rips out of duct tape) _**NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**_

Mrs. Lovett: Wot is it, love?

Sweeney: I ran out of popcorn. So, these people just stood there and watched Severus Snape rape my wife?

Mrs. Lovett: So it is you! Benjamin Barker!

Sweeney: No! It's Sweeney Todd now, and he will have his revenge!

Mrs. Lovett: Sweeney Todd? Is that even a real name?

Sweeney: Duh.

Mrs. Lovett: There you are again, wot with your infallible logic. It's been so long since I seen your 'appy smile round these 'ere parts!

Sweeney: (Scowl)

Mrs. Lovett: Come along, Mr. T, I got somethin' to give you.

Sweeney: For the last time, I am _**NOT**_ having sex with you!

Mrs. Lovett: No, that's not wot I'm talking 'bout. Well, at least not for now. Anyway, c'mon.

(And so our disgruntled barber follows our insane-but-loveable pie mistress up to Sweeney's old room)

Mrs. Lovett: C'mon, love. Nothin' to be afraid of.

Sweeney: (Walks through the doorway, but smacks face-first into a cobweb) Thank you for keeping the place up and running, bitch.

Mrs. Lovett: (Oblivious to the sarcasm) You're most welcome, Mr. T.

Sweeney: (Walks over to Johanna's old crib, where a rather old and disgruntled doll lies, adding to the creepiness factor)

Audience Member #1: Y'know, I got the strangest feeling that I've seen this in a movie somewhere…

Audience Member #2: (Shrugs)

Sweeney: Oh, my little Johanna used to play with this all day long…(Pokes the doll)

Doll: (High-pitched, eerie voice) _**MAMA!!!**_

Sweeney: _**HOLY HELL, IT'S CHUCKY!!!!!!!!**_ (Bashes the doll into the wall repeatedly)

Audience Member #1: Now I remember where that's from! Jurassic Park!

Audience Member #2: -_______________-

Mrs. Lovett: Calm down, love. (Rips a board off the floor, and takes out a red, velvet box) I got somethin' for you. (Opens the box, and a ray of sunlight glints off of the razors)

Sweeney: Why the fuck is there sunlight in this scene? I thought this was a Tim Burton film, for crying out loud!

Mrs. Lovett: Must be Twilight Boy. Wherever he goes, the sunlight follows.

Sweeney: Dear God. Anthony will be stalking him all over the place.

Mrs. Lovett: Him and every other prepubescent adolescent in London.

Sweeney: Anyway…(Launches himself at the box, and starts fondling the razors) My precious…

Mrs. Lovett: You ok there, Mr. T?

Sweeney:

_These are my friends_

Mrs. Lovett: (Whimper) I'm your friend, too, Mr. T…

Sweeney:

_See this one shine _

_How he smiles in the light_

_My friend!_

_Till now your shine was merely silver_

Mrs. Lovett:

_Silver's good enough for me…_

Sweeney: You have to feed your customers random body parts that people have coughed up after eating your pies. Silver _better_ be damn good enough for you. (Turns back to his razors)

_Oh, you'll soon drip rubies…_

_Precious rubies…_

Mrs. Lovett: They can fucking drip rubies?! God, maybe I should've sold 'em after all…

Sweeney: (Glares at Mrs. Lovett) Leave me! Can't you see we're having a moment here?!

_My friends…_

_My lucky friends…_

Mrs. Lovett: Fine, then! Well, why don't you just go and make love to them bloody ol' razors o' yours?!

Sweeney: Well, if I wasn't afraid of removing a rather valuable body part, I very well would! Now, leave us! I have to confide in them about my horrible experiences about the kangaroos!

Mrs. Lovett: (Rolls her eyes and exits)

Sweeney: (Caressing the razors) Oh, don't worry…we're together again, and I won't ever let them take you away from me again. Oh, my beautiful, shiny, little friends, the kangaroos…oh, God, I'm so glad you're with me again! (Whispering) At last…MY ARM IS COMPLETE AGAIN!!! (Maniacal evil laughter)

Ominous Music: Is that our cue? Guess so. TOLLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mrs. Lovett: QUIET UP THERE! I'M HAVIN' A TAI KON DO MATCH WITH THE COCKROACHES!!!

**

* * *

**

**_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_**

**New chapter! =D**

**So, anyone liking it so far? **

**So, will Mrs. Lovett ever get any from Sweeney?**

**Will Anthony ever capture Edward Cullen and make him his love slave?**

**And who will win the Tai Kon Do match? Mrs. Lovett, or the cockroaches?**

**R&R please. ;)**


	4. Anthony Hides in Johanna's Closet

(Suddenly, the music lightens, and the lighting in the streets isn't a dark, grisly, bluish-green for once)

Audience Member #1: Ah. Sweeney must not be in this scene.

Audience Member #2: What makes you think that?

Audience Member #3: No one's singing about killing random people to express their irrepressible rage.

(Suddenly, Anthony can be seen walking around the corner, his nose in a book. Various members of the audience quick enough to catch its title realize that it says "La Guía para la Obtención Bastante Hombre notar que quieras en tus pantalones." Apparently Anthony speaks fluent Spanish.)

Anthony: Oh, why won't Mr. Todd notice me? I mean, I'm definitely prettier than that Mrs. Lovett woman! I just need to find the man of my dreams. Too bad Edward doesn't want anything to do with me…

_**FLASHBACK!!!**_

(We now see Edward Cullen, covered in sparkles, running from a pack of ravage fan girls clad in Victorian attire, Anthony at the lead.)

Anthony: Wait, Mr. Cullen! I just you in my pants! Is that really so much to ask for?!

Edward: AAAHAHAHHHHHHHH!!!!

_**PRESENT TIME!!!**_

Anthony: (Sigh)

(Meanwhile, we join a young, blonde-)

Sweeney: Ahem!

(Oh. Right. We now join a young, _yellow-haired _girl who is cross-stitching a pillow.)

Audience Member #1: Well who the fuck is she?!

Audience Member #2: (Facepalm)

Johanna:

_Green finch and linnet bird_

_Nightingale, blackbird_

_Teach me how to sing!!!!!!!!_

Audience Member #1: Ok, if she was gonna sing about how she can't sing, then they needed to hire someone else, like Miley Cyrus. This scene would've been a whole lot more convincing.

Audience Member #2: Dude…(Notices the birds in Johanna's room twitching at her high notes) those birds gonna be ok?

Johanna:

_How can you remain, staring at the rain_

_Maddened by the STAAARRRRRSSSSSS??????????????????_

Birds: (Gasping for breath, convulsing)

Johanna:

_My cage has many rooms, damask and dark_

_Nothing there sings, NOT even my lark!_

Johanna's Lark: Oh. Right. Thanks. Singling me out there, eh?

Johanna:

_Larks never will you know, when they're captive_

_Teach me to be more adaptive_

_AAAAAAAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH_

_**SO I CAN FORCE MYSELF TO MAKE LOVE TO MY FATHER FIGURE!!!**_

_Teach me how to SING!!!_

Birds: (Pass out)

Audience Member #2: Ah! The birds…DX

Audience Member #1: Wait…is she Johanna?

Anthony: (In the park right below Johanna's window. Conveniant, I know.) Did someone just say "Force myself to make love to my father figure" in big, bold caps?! Oh, count me in, this sounds kinky! (Glances up at Johanna) LE GASP! That…is the single most beautiful…man I have ever seen.

Audience Member #1: But I thought-

Audience Member #2: Just let him have his moment.

Beggar Woman: (Suddenly, an old, ragged beggar woman comes creeping up the streets)

_Alms, alms, for a miserable woman!!!_

_On a miserable, chilly morning!!!_

Anthony: But I don't have any alms…whatever those are. Why don't you go and ask Santa for something? (Points to a random tent in the middle of the street, where little children are sitting on Santa's lap)

Beggar Woman: Oh no, sir. I don't go to them Santa men no more, ever since the jolly fat bastard had his way with me…

Anthony: Excuse me?

Beggar Woman: …Were we talking 'bout somethin'?

(Suddeny, the film crew pulls a Jack Sparrow, and the Beggar Woman's nose can be seen enlarged, traveling through the air, until it stops at Anthony's pocket.)

Beggar Woman: I smell peanuts…

Anthony: (Takes a small pack of peanuts out of his pocket and hands it to the Beggar Woman) I forgot that I had this! I got it on the gloomy, colorless, manic-depressive ship I was on with Mr. Todd.

Beggar Woman: (Steals the peanuts and shoves them in her mouth all Matrix-like)

Anthony: Pardon me, miss, but who is that handsome young man up in that window, singing about making forced love to his father figure?

Beggar Woman: Oh, that's Johanna, Santa's pretty little ward. Best not get any ideas, else he might punish you…

Anthony: Is punish just another sexual innuendo for "He's going to rape my girlish body?"

Beggar Woman: I like grapes…

Anthony: W-what?

Beggar Woman: (Waddles off)

_Peanuts, peanuts, for a miserable woman!!!_

Anthony:

_I feel you, Johanna!_

_I feel you…_

_I was half convinced you'd be taken_

_Thinking your father figure would screw you_

_Happily I was mistaken_

_Johanna!_

_I feel you, Johanna!_

_I feel you…_

(Foolishly walks right up to Judge Turpin's front door, while singing about how he's just fallen madly in love with his ward)

Judge Turpin: (Sickly-sweet smile) Hello there, beautiful man-child…are you lost?

Anthony: Um…I think I'll be fine…

Judge Turpin: Oh, but surely you'd be fine with stopping in for a moment to take some harmless directions?

Anthony: I dunno…my dear old mum always told me to never speak to strangers, especially ones who wear tight, golden trousers.

Judge Turpin: I…I have candy?

Anthony: Goody goody gumdrops! (Runs into the house)

Judge Turpin: Works every time…

(We now enter Judge Turpin's library, which is filled with Playboy editions, How-To books on bedroom fun-time, Everything You've Ever Dreamed of Doing with a Woman Involving Chimpanzees, and Sex For Dummies. However, Anthony has eyes only for the mysterious floating bowl of candy in the middle of the room.)

Anthony: Sir, the candy?

Judge Turpin: Ah, yes. (Throws a Butterfingers at Anthony's head) Tell me, beautiful man-child-

Anthony: Anthony, but you can leave off the "h." I mean, everyone else does.

Judge Turpin: Ah, yes. Anthony, have you never seen a library so magnificent? (Points to the ceiling, which is just an enlarged mural of Farah Fossett's famous swimsuit issue)

Anthony: Well, I suppose so.

Judge Turpin: (Grabs a book from a nearby shelf) Tell me, Anthony-Minus-The-H-

Anthony: How did you know my middle name?!

Beadle: 0__o

Judge Turpin: Would you like to see the geishas of Japan? How about New York strippers? The one-legged go-go dancers of grind films?

Anthony: I just want to get to Hyde Park, sir…

(Ok, guys, I dunno if I ever told you this, but Anthony has the weird face to play Mr. Hyde in a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde musical. Not the Jekyll & Hyde one, because the actual play for it sucks, but Anthony would be Velvet Liquor's first choice for Hyde. Now watch for the Jekyll and Hyde jokes)

Judge Turpin: Why on Earth would you want to go there?

Beadle: Yeah, it's named after a crazy bloke!

Anthony: I know, but-

Judge Turpin: (Throws the book at Anthony's head) Turn to page 394.

Snape Fan Girls: (Squeal/gush/die)

Anthony: (Does so) What on Earth is _that_?

Judge Turpin: Don't ask me _how _that chimp got in there…

Anthony: DX

Judge Turpin: Anyway, enough chitchat! YOU GANDERERED AT MY WARD! ANTHONY-MINUS-THE-H, YOU GANDERED AT MY PRECIOUS LITTLE JOHANNA! GANDER! GANDER, GANDER, GANDER!!! GANDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anthony: (Look of stupidity and naivety) What's a gander? Is it like a goose?

Judge Turpin: Beadle! Get him!

Beadle: ARRGRGRGRGR!!! (Leaps at Anthony)

(Suddenly, the Beadle stops in midair, and everyone except for Anthony freezes. David Hasselhoff suddenly appears on Anthony's shoulder, dressed as Jekyll from the Broadway musical, and another David Hasselhoff appears on Anthony's other shoulder, dressed as Mr. Hyde)

Anthony: GASP! Are you my mother?

Hassel-Hyde: 0__o

Jekyll-Hoff: No…I'm your guardian angel.

Anthony: (Points to Hyde-Hoff) Then who's he?

Hassel-Hyde: I'm your guardian…devil?

Anthony: What are you doing here?

Hassel-Hyde: We're here to help you kick the Beadle's ass, Hyde style!

Jekyll-Hoff: We are most certainly not, Hyde! Anthony, we're here to help, but we're going to do so in a nonviolent manner.

Anthony: Um…he's coming at me with a metal cane. I think violence is the only manner appropriate here.

Jekyll-Hoff: Anthony, don't worry.

Hassel-Hyde: You're gonna get him killed, ain't you?

Jekyll-Hoff: Anthony, if there's one thing I've learned from singing and dancing in the Broadway production of Jekyll & Hyde, it's that songs solve everything.

Hassel-Hyde: (Facepalm)

Anthony: So…what you're saying is that all I have to do to defeat the Beadle is…_sing _my way out of here?

Jekyll-Hoff: (Nod, nod)

Anthony: Well, ok. Guess it couldn't hurt. (Takes a deep breath. I guess now's as good a time as ever to tell you people to listen to the Alive Reprise from Jekyll & Hyde, 'cause it would make this funnier for you. Anthony unfreezes time, and the Beadle lands right in front of him, read to attack, whereupon Anthony begins to sing)

_Anthony's trapped in a library of porn_

_Needs to get out and be free!_

_Predators live on the prey they pursue_

_Guess this time their prey is me!_

_Lust, like a raging desire_

_Fills their minds with its curse_

_Making my situation quite dire_

_Attacked by perverts!!!_

_What a feeling to be so afraid!_

_I have never seen me so afraid!_

_Such a feeling of fear inside-_

_That's the thought _

_Of being-_

_Um…not alive?_

Beadle: Wow…that really spoke to me, Anthony.

Anthony: Really?

Beadle: No. (Slams his stick into Anthony's groin. Pun totally not intended here XD. Drags Anthony out to the pavement)

Anthony: Why did you drag me all the way out here?

Beadle: So I can say my next line: Well, beautiful man-child, A.K.A. Anthony-Minus-The-H, next time you come round these here parts genderin' at pretty little Johanna, it'll be your pretty little brains all over the pavement. (Leaves)

Anthony: Thanks a lot, Jekyll-Hoff.

Hassel-Hyde: Yeah, you're such a pansy. (Poofs)

Jekyll-Hoff: Piss off. (Poofs)

Anthony: (Jumps up and starts to sing, despite the fact that he's covered in blood)

_I'll steal you, Johanna!_

_I'll steal you…_

_Do they think the Beadle's magic stick can stop us?_

_Even now I'm in your closet…_

(Music abruptly stops as Judge Turpin opens the door to Johanna's closet, and finds that Anthony is _literally _hiding in Johanna's closet. Symbolism, anyone?)

Judge Turpin: Get out.

Anthony: Yes, sir. (Crawls out the closet, walks out of the house, and resumes his singing)

_I used to be in the dark beside you_

_Buried sweetly in your yellow hair!_

_I feel you, Johanna_

_And one day…_

_I'll steal you…_(Watch the movie. His face is super creepy at this line XD)

_Till I'm with you then_

_I'm with you there_

_In your closet fondling your yellow hair!_

(Hobbles off, random beggar women harassing him for packages of peanuts)

* * *

**_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_**

**Ok, bear with me. **

**I know how confusing this chapter is, especially if you're not that familiar with Jekyll & Hyde.**

**All you really have to do is listen to that one song, and it's hilarious.**

**Oh, and you might wanna translate the Spanish title of Anthony's book at the beginning. xD**

**And don't ask me how Anthony doesn't know that Johanna is a girl.**

**R&R please.**


	5. THE POWER OF OXICLEAN COMPELLS YOU!

(We now join our depressed, disgruntled barber as he is lead into the market place by Mrs. Lovett)

Sweeney: You better not be taking me to that weird "how-to" sex tent again. Last time I contracted the herpes!

Mrs. Lovett: No, but I wouldn't mind paying a visit there again sometime soon. (Seductive wink) Actually, I'm taking you to see Pirelli. They say he's the best barber in all o' London. I-tallian, he is.

Sweeny: It-allion.

Mrs. Lovett: Wot?

Sweeny: You say it funky. It's It-allion, not I-tallian.

Mrs. London: Says Mr. Yellow hair.

Sweeney: (Glowers) You win…_**FOR NOW!!!**_

(As Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett near Pirelli's stand, music can be heard, and all of a sudden, a little boy holding a bottle walks onto the stage)

Toby:

_Ladies and gentleman,_

_May I have your attention please?_

_Do you stop in mid-shag in shame and despair_

_To discover on that area covered with hair?_

_That down sensation has affected you there?_

_Well, ladies and gentleman, _

_From now on you can spring up at ease!_

_You need never again have a worry or care_

_I will show you a miracle, marvelous, rare_

_Gentlemen, you are about to see something_

_Wot, pardon the pun, rose from the dead!_

_Now your lil' buddy ain't heavier than lead!_

_T'was Pirelli's _

_Miracle Elixir_

_That's wot did the trick, sir_

_True, sir, true_

_Was it quick, sir?_

_Lifted in a tick, sir_

_Just like your little friend_

_Ought to do_

_How about a bottle mister?_

_Only costs a penny guaranteed_

_Does Pirelli's _

_Stimulate the growth, sir?_

_You can have my oath, sir_

'_Tis unique_

_Rub a minute_

_Stimulatin', I'nt?_

_Soon you'll have to play with it_

_Once a week_

Sweeney:

_Pardon me, sir, what's that bulging in your pants?_

Mrs. Lovett:

_Sure will throw a party for your hands_

_Pardon me, sir, what's that bulging in your pants? _(Said with Sweeney)

Sweeney:

_Sure will throw a party for your hands _(Said with Mrs. Lovett)

Toby:

_Buy Pirelli's_

_Miracle Elixir_

_Anything wot's thin, sir, soon unfurls_

_Try Pirelli's_

_When they see how thick, sir_

_You can have your pick, sir_

_Of the girls!_

_Wanna buy a bottle, missus?_

Sweeney:

_What is this?_

Mrs. Lovett:

_What is this?_

Sweeney:

_Smells like-_OxiClean?

Mrs. Lovett:

_Smells like-_Oh, wot do you know? It does.

Sweeney: (Said with Mrs. Lovett)

_What is this? This is OxiClean!_

Mrs. Lovett: (Said with Sweeney. Nudges the guy next to her, about to rub some of Pirelli's Miracle OxiClean onto his "little buddy")

_Wouldn't put that there if I was you, dear_

Toby:

_Let Pirelli's straighten up your roots, sir_

Sweeny:

_Keep it off your boots, sir, eats right through!_

Toby:

_Yes, get Pirelli's, use a bottle of it,_

_Ladies seem to love it!_

Mrs. Lovett:

_Billy Mayes does too._

(The light-hearted music abruptly stops as a tall man who seems to your dear Velvet Liquor what the love child of Borat and Princess Leia would look like, and the music takes a more "ominous" turn)

Pirelli: I-a am-a Adolfo Pirelli! Who says that-a my-a elixir is-a merely a common-a household item-a?

Sweeney: Common sense.

Mrs. Lovett: Yeah. Next time you might wanna cover up the "OxiClean" label on the bottle.

Pirelli: You-a dare-a to-a challenge-a me? (Starts swirling his cape so hard that it creates a hurricane, which destroys New Orleans all over again)

Sweeney: Hellz to the yeahz. I challenge you to a barber-off!

Crowd: LE GASP!

Mrs. Lovett: Mr. T, you sure? The last time there was a barber-off here, the two dueling barbers opened up a time warp, trapping Pamela Anderson in Victorian London! (Pirelli, being the love child of Borat and Princess Leia, cannot help but think the name of Pamela Anderson sounds familiar)

Sweeney: I think I'll take my chances. (Turns to Mrs. Lovett, staring deep into her eyes) Mrs. Lovett?

Mrs. Lovett: (Hopeful expression) Yes, Mr. Todd?

Sweeney: If I don't make it…

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, Mr. T, don't talk that way…

Sweeney: If I don't make it, tell those Tai Kon Do fighting cockroaches not to give you any more lip.

Mrs. Lovett: How…kind of you. -__-

Sweeney: (Walks onto the stage) Would Beadle Bamford be the judge?

Beadle: Glad, as always, to oblige two sexy barbers battling it out to the death.

Sweeney: No, not death.

Pirelli: Then-a what-a are-a we-a fighting over…a?

Sweeney: (Looks Pirelli up and down) Hmmmm…I'll take the hair buns.

Pirelli: _**LE GASP-A! NOT-A MY-A PRECIOUS-A HAIR BUNS!!!**_

Sweeney: Oh yeah.

Pirelli: Fine-a, then-a! I-a want-a your-a razors!

Sweeney: _**HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!**_

Beadle: Let the barber-off begin!!!

Pirelli: TOBY!!!

Toby: Coming, sir! (Wheels a random barber chair out onto the stage)

Pirelli: Ha-a! Try-a shaving-a someone-a without a chair, Todd!

Sweeney: Actually-wait. When did I ever tell you my name?

Pirelli: …(Shrugs)

Sweeney: (Does the who Genie-arms folded-head bow thing, and a barber chair magically appears out of nowhere)

Pirelli: How-a the fuck-a did-a you do-a that-a?

Sweeney: When I was hanging with the kangaroos is Aussie Alcatraz, I met Genie there, whereupon I trapped her in my white hairstreak. Anyway, who's up for a free shave?

Billy Mayes: (Raises hand)

Mrs. Lovett: Ain't you supposed to be dead?

Billy Mayes: _**THAT'S THE POWER OF OXICLEAN FOR YOU!!!**_

Mrs. Lovett: 0___o

Sweeney: (Points to Billy Mayes) I like your spirit.

(Billy Mayes walks up to Sweeney and sits down in the chair, whereupon Sweeney and Pirelli begin to shave their clients)

Pirelli:

_To shave-a da pope_

_It take-a da hope_

_I want-a Toby in-a my trousers_

_Because-a da little boys-a turn-a me on_

_Da sexy barber is-a soon-a to-a be-a my lover_

_To lick-a da face_

_Require da taste_

_To make-a da bristle_

_Clean as a whistle_

_Because-a this song-a needs-a to-a be about-a shaving_

_And not-a my fetish for-a sexy-a barbers to-a lick-a my-_

Random Customer: (Points to Toby) Um…not in front of the kid.

Pirelli: Cosa? I-a was-a only going to-a say-a that-a he should-a lick-a my wenis.

Judge Turpin: (Randomly pops out of nowhere) Ooh…did somebody say penis?

Sweeny: (Glares at Judge Turpin) Fuck off. You're not even in this scene.

Judge Turpin: (Sulkily goes to stand by the Beadle)

Pirelli:

_To seduce da sexy-a barbers_

_It take-a da heart_

_It take-a da art_

_It take-a da flash_

_And a sexy-a ass_

_To shave-a da face_

_Require da pace_

_And also da _

(Insert insanely high, not manly in the least falsetto high note)

_GRRRRRRRAAAAAAACCCCCEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

(Smug smile) I-a just-a hit-a da highest note in-a da entire-a movie.

Velvet Liquor: (Pissed, because it is the only high note in the entire film she can't reach) STFU.

Beadle: The winner is…

Crowd: WE ARE SO ANTICIPATED!

Background Music: Suspenseful music: TOLLING!!!

Beadle: Todd!

Crowd: (Claps, then wanders off to find the next big barber-off)

Pirelli: (Attempting to suck up to Sweeney) Well-a sir, I-a think-a you-a have-a more than-a earned my-a respect, and-a I-

Sweeney: (Holds out his hand, index finger twitching) The hair buns.

Pirelli: DX

Sweeny: (Brandishes his razors, and slices Pirelli's hair buns off, one bun landing in each of his hands. Walks over to Mrs. Lovett, who's busy talking to Judge Turpin and the Beadle)

Mrs. Lovett: So, Snape, fancy seeing you here in the middle o' Victorian London.

Judge Turpin: Right back at you, Bellatrix.

Beadle: How come you two get all the fanfics devoted to you? NO ONE LOVES ME!!!

Judge Turpin: HAVE YOU _SEEN_ YOUR FACE?!

Mrs. Lovett: Well, with a name like Wormtail, can you honestly blame 'em?

Sweeney: So…the new Harry Potter movie looks pretty good…(Desperate to fit in)

Mrs. Lovett/Judge Turpin/Beadle: …

Sweeney: Oh, I see how it is! Because I can't conjure up a floating teapot with a fucking twig, I'm not good enough for you! Well, conjure up _this_! (Gives the Terrible Trio (=D) the middle finger, then skips off, full of "WHYCANTIBEINHARRYPOTTERTOO" angst)

* * *

**_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_**

**This chapter cracks me up. xD**

**I'm really sorry if my Billy Mayes/OxiClean jokes offended you, but you'll get over it.**

**I mean, I didn't care that Michael Jackson or Farah Fossett died, so why should I give a rat's ass about an obnoxious man who used to scream at me from the television at four in the morning?**

**Anyway...**

**Will Sweeney be able to pull off Pirelli's hair buns?**

**Will that random man whom Mrs. Lovett nudged _really _drown his little buddy in OxiClean?**

**And more importantly, will the new Harry Potter movie blow my fucking mind away?**

**R&R please.**


	6. The Universal Stalker Song

(The camera now switches to Johanna, who is sitting by her window)

Audience Member #1: All she does is _sit _there.

Audience Member #2: Well, she's being stalked by an old man who can't seem to tell his little buddy no, and a presumably gay, pretty-boy sailor who thinks she's a man.

Anthony: (Waving from below Johanna's window) Johanna!

Johanna: Why is he following me? I thought he was presumably gay?

Judge Turpin: (Watching Johanna from a whole in her wall. Facepalm) GET NAKED ALREADY!!!

Anthony: (Clears his throat)

Johanna: Oh God, he's going to sing, isn't he?

Anthony:

Ain't no mountain high enough

_Ain't no valley low enough_

_Ain't no river wide enough_

(Creepy, eye twitching expression)

To keep me from getting to you! Johanna: Oh dear…

Judge Turpin:

_I'll keep you here,_

_Johanna_

_You could always just have sex with me, _

_Johanna_

_I'll be here when you want to have me,_

_Johanna_

Johanna: (Talking to her birds) I'm frightened…

Anthony:

_My love is free,_

_Johanna_

_Just take my heart,_

_Johanna_

_Although we're miles apart,_

_Johanna_

_If you ever need to escape, _

_Johanna_

_I'll be there on the double_

_As fast as I can!_

Johanna: (Trying to think of a good excuse) No, no! That's quite all right! You don't have to be there at all!

Anthony/Judge Turpin:

Ain't no mountain high enough!

_Ain't no valley low enough!_

_Ain't no river wide enough!_

_To keep me from getting to you!_

Johanna: (Addressing her birds) Did they just sing the universal stalker song to me?

Birds: Tweet.

Johanna: Well, I suppose I have to choose one of them, don't I? (Turns to the whole in her wall that Judge Turpin thought she just MAGICALLY wouldn't notice)

Judge Turpin: LE GASP! She's making eye contact! (Squeal)

Johanna: Hell no. (Glances down at Anthony)

Anthony: (Look of innocent naivety) I like candy, Johanna. Do you like candy, Johanna?

Johanna: Well, I _do_ like candy…wait a minute. Judge Turpin has plenty of candy in that magical, floating bowl he keeps hidden away in his library of porn.

Birds: Tweet.

Johanna: You're right. The only reason he even has candy in there is so that he can rape innocent youngsters such as myself. And the fact that he's basically been like a really, _really_ creepy father to me all these years just makes Anthony the better choice. (Takes a mysterious golden key from out of her dresser)

Key: You're not seriously considering giving me to _that_, are you?

Johanna: Like you care. I bet you'd jump at that crazy old beggar woman who is always harassing random people for peanuts below my window. I swear, when I find the person who started that craze, I'm going to stab them with this key!

Key: …

Johanna: No matter! (Tosses the key out of the window)

Key: I feel like I'm flying, Johanna! (Bounces off Anthony's head into the sewer)

Anthony: Now I'll _never_ know where it lead…(Sniffle) I mean, what if it lead to Candyland?

Johanna: (Opens up her window) It lead to my room, Anthony!

Anthony: Johanna! Hi! Did you like my singing?! (Crazed expression)

Johanna: Um…yeah.

Anthony: I'm so sorry! I lost your key! God knows where it is now!

(Skips to key)

Key: (Falls into the sewer, and then a bright light surrounds everything, and key wakes up in a land full of sweet delights, people made out of licorice, gumdrops, and peppermint) Holy fuck, he was right!

Johanna: It's all right, Anthony. I suppose now I'll just be cooped up here forever…

Anthony: You could give me the key to your closet…

Johanna: Of course, Anthony! Judge Turpin won't ever look there!

Anthony: I know, right? It's just the last place that I would hide!

* * *

**_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_**

**Sorry this chapter is so short, but there wasn't much I could do with it. I mean, it's a pretty short scene in all honesty.**

**I really enjoy Anthony and Johanna. They amuse me to no end. **

**"I know, right? It's just the last place I would hide!"**

**xD**

**And it _is _the universal stalker song. I mean, you ever just sat there and listened to the lyrics? Creepy stuff.**

**And it just occurred to me that I haven't put disclaimers on this parody, or most of my other parodies.**

**DISCLAIMER:**

**I do not own Sweeney Todd, any of the songs I have used so far, David Hasselhoff, Jekyll & Hyde, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Billy Mayes, OxiClean, male enhancement elixirs, Candyland, Johanna's closet, and many more.**

**Phew!**

**xD**

**Anyway...**

**Will the key ever escape from Candyland and find his way back to Johanna?**

**Will Judge Turpin ever realize that Johanna can actually _see_ the giant whole in her wall?**

**And will Anthony be discovered hiding out in Johanna's closet?**

**In the next chapter, Mrs. Lovett beats Sweeney with a rolling pin.**

**R&R please!**


	7. DON'T TALK TO MY PIE BITCH THAT WAY!

**_DISCLAIMER:_**

**I do not own Sweeney Todd. **

**I, thankfully, own no Mary Sues that were not created for the purpose of a blatant parody.**

**I don't own The Hunchback of Notre Name, Maximum Ride, Spiderman, or any other superhero for that matter.**

**I do not own a rat named Lumpy (Although I wish I did).**

**I do, however, own an argyle sweater.**

**That has to count for something, right?**

* * *

Velvet Liquor: Ok, guys, you all ready to review your fan mail?

Sweeney: We have fan mail?

Mrs. Lovett: Better not be any little Mary Sues tryin' to Mac all up on my Mr. T…

Sweeney: I own _myself_, thank you very much!

Mrs. Lovett: You just wait till the next chapter, love…

Sweeney: Wait, what's happening in the next chapter?!

Velvet Liquor: She gets to violate you with a rolling pin.

Sweeney: WTF?!

Johanna: Any fan boys begging for my virginity? (Hopeful expression, as she does not particularly wish to wed Anthony _or_ Judge Turpin)

Velvet Liquor: Actually, they hardly mentioned you.

Johanna: DX

Judge Turpin: (Rips through fan mail) Oh, I bet all the girls are just _dying _to get a taste of Judge T, eh?

Velvet Liquor: Actually, one of them called you a bastard. And I think, because of you, the image of Santa as a caring being has been burned out of their memories.

Judge Turpin: (Pouts)

Sweeney: Serves you right, anyway.

Judge Turpin: How so?

Sweeney: _**YOU RAPED MY WIFE!!!**_

Judge Turpin: No…Santa did. (Shifty eyes)

Mrs. Lovett: (Pats Sweeney's shoulder) No matter, love. He can't be the only judge with a taste for lust.

Judge Turpin: What the hell is that supposed to mean?!

Velvet Liquor: It means there have been other judges before you who were far more evil than you.

Judge Turpin: Oh yeah? Like who?

Velvet Liquor: You ever watched Disney's _The Hunchback of Notre Dame_?

Anthony: LE GASP!

Johanna: What is it, Anthony?

Anthony: This _me-loves-demon-barber_ fiend said that I have a big head!

Sweeney: Well…

Mrs. Lovett: (Elbows Sweeney)

Sweeney: :(

Velvet Liquor: Anthony, she said she'd give me a cookie as big as your head, and seeing as how your head is pretty normal, the cookie's not going to be that gigantic.

Anthony: _**SHE SAID I HAVE A BIG HEAD!!! WAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!**_

Johanna: You see what I have to deal with?!

Sweeney: Hey, this _NelliethePieAngel_ said that, even though I'm forty-six, I'm still damn sexy! (Smug grin)

Mrs. Lovett: (Envious) She said _darn_, not _damn_.

Sweeney: Well, I don't see _you_ getting any fans fondling over your good looks.

Mrs. Lovett: (Hyperventilating) _**HE JUST SAID I HAVE GOOD LOOKS!!!**_

Sweeney: (Facepalm)

Toby: I can't wait till I get fan mail!

Sweeney: (Snicker) Little boys who haven't even reached puberty selling male enhancement/OxiClean elixirs don't _get _fan mail.

Toby: :(

Pirelli: Why have I not received fan mail?! I'm ITALIAN-O! I hail from the county of love!

Mrs. Lovett: I thought that was France?

Pirelli: SHUT UP, PIE BITCH!

Sweeney: HEY, DON'T TALK TO MY PIE BITCH THAT WAY!

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, Mr. T! You sure know 'ow to make a pie bitch 'appy, don't you?

Velvet Liquor: Well, Pirelli, this _Midna Hytwilian_ girl seems pretty upset that you destroyed New Orleans all over again with that stupid cape-hurricane of yours. And after they had spent so much time fixing it up…

Pirelli: Their pitiful city of Booze and Voodoo is _**NOTHING**_ compared to my beloved hair buns!!! (Oh, if you're wondering why I capitalized "Booze", it's sort of a play on words. Booze is actually my nickname. And no, I do not have a sick love affair with an alcoholic beverage)

Sweeney: Velvet, in the next chapter, do I get to try them on?

Velvet Liquor: It wouldn't be a parody if you didn't now, would it?

Sweeney: =D

Pirelli: D=

Lucy: Someone said they love kinky Benjamin/Lucy! Maybe we should do another chapter about that!

Mrs. Lovett: No. (Pushes Lucy off screen)

Sweeney: Besides, in the flashbacks, I don't have my ultimate Genie-inhabited hair streak.

Pirelli: But I still have my hair buns!

Velvet Liquor: Lucy, I'll think about some kinky Benjamin/Lucy one-on-one time, ok?

Lucy: (Squeal)

Mrs. Lovett: (While, Velvet Liquor is turned away, Mrs. Lovett raises her rolling pin, as if to strike her with it, until Sweeney pulls her back down)

Sweeney: We need her! Who the hell else is supposed to write about all of our future adventures in this gloomy, colorless, manic-depressive parody of ours?

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, I see what you mean.

Johanna: And she does know an awful lot about superheroes, being a comic nerd and all. Face it: we need her to write up the chapter where London gets attacked by that killer lump of dough, and Spiderman and his witty pet rat, Lumpy, come to help us save the day.

Anthony: Besides, if she dies, who is supposed to finish Spiderman in Five Minutes? And the Maximum Ride parody? And what about the Hunchback of-

Random Police Officer From the Opening Scene: (Smacks Anthony with the same ham)

Anthony: Ow!

Judge Turpin: You weren't supposed to give that last one away!

Velvet Liquor: Yeah, you twit! I haven't even started writing it, and it's already leaked! Thanks a lot! (Winks at the camera, showing that this whole epidemic is merely a devious advertising gimmick to get you to read her other parodies and leave reviews. Genius, no?)

Anthony: **_YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO HIT ME WITH THE BLOODY HAM!!!_**

* * *

**_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_**

**Sorry, this isn't the rolling pin chapter. The next one will be though.**

**I just wanted to thank everyone for all your wonderful support of this parody.**

**I'm amazed that no one's flamed, or done anything stupid yet.**

**You see, I come from the world of Twilight parodies. 'Nough said.**

**And I am starting to write a The Hunchback of Notre Dame parody, the Disney version.**

**Just so you can watch out for it.**

**Anyway, once again, thank you.**

**R&R please.**

**:)**


	8. FEAR THE MIGHTY ROLLING PIN OF DOOM!

**_DISCLAIMER:_**

**I do not own Sweenett shipping, Pirelli's hair buns, Chuck Norris, Youtube, or magical rolling pins of doom.**

**And I certainly don't own black and white fifties abstinence programs where the host kills the puppet shaped like a cherry.**

**I don't really think _anyone _does.**

**Oh yeah, and I don't own Mr. Rodgers either.**

**Thank God for that one.**

* * *

(We now join Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett in his barber shop, where Sweeney can be seen glaring out the window (As is his custom), while staring at his reflection)

Sweeney: (Pats Pirelli's hair buns) Mrs. Lovett, do these hair buns make me look fat?

Mrs. Lovett: 'Ow the bloody 'ell are _hair buns_ supposed to make someone look fat?

Sweeney: JUST ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION!!!

Mrs. Lovett: (Sigh) No. They make you look sexy.

Sweeney: (Smiles in an excited manner, then remembers that's out of character for him, so fumes instead)

Mrs. Lovett: Wot's the matter, Mr. T?

Sweeney: Why hasn't the Beadle come yet?!

Mrs. Lovett: Wot, you expecting him?

Sweeney: (Points to script) HELLO?!

Mrs. Lovett: Mr. T, you didn't even ask him to come for a shave, did you?

Sweeney: I didn't have to.

Mrs. Lovett: Wot do you mean?

Sweeney: (Runs a hand through his hair and throws a sexy wink at his reflection) You saw the way he was ogling me with his eyes. Oh, believe you me, Mrs. Lovett, he'll come. He'll come…

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, well, there's that infallible logic again.

Sweeney: ANGST! ANGST! ANGST!

Mrs. Lovett: Wot's the matter now? I thought you weren't gonna be a drama queen in this scene.

Director: Honestly, Mrs. L, it's not called _Sweeney Todd and the __Bipolar__ Parody of Fleet Street _for nothing.

Sweeney: WHY HASN'T THE BEADLE COME?!

Mrs. Lovett: Calm down, love.

Sweeney: HE STOOD ME UP, DIDN'T HE?!

Mrs. Lovett: (Rolls eyes) Wait.

Sweeney: …

Mrs. Lovett: …

Sweeney: Well?

Mrs. Lovett: Wot?

Sweeney: You just told me to wait.

Mrs. Lovett: Duh. I was there when I said it, Mr. T.

Sweeney: WAIT FOR WHAT?!

Mrs. Lovett: Wait for the Beadle to come. Jesus Christ, you are _so_ impatient.

Sweeney: (Stomps foot) I DON'T WANNA WAIT!!!

Mrs. Lovett: (Grabs a random rolling pin out of nowhere and hits Sweeney on the head with it) WAIT!

Sweeney: (Glowers) Fine…

Mrs. Lovett: Wait. One little tap on the 'ead with a rolling pin got you to submit to my demands?

Sweeney: What?

Mrs. Lovett: (Evil, satanic grin)

Sweeney: Oh God…

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, Mr. T, don't you know those are the universal sex words?

Sweeney: Really? Funny, Lucy always yelled out "Chuck Norris" for some reason…

(Skip to Lucy lying next to Chuck Norris)

Lucy: We can _never_ tell my husband.

(Skip back to Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett)

Mrs. Lovett: Take off your clothes, Mr. T.

Sweeney: No!

Mrs. Lovett: (Slams the rolling pin into Sweeney's groin)

Sweeney: AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Mrs. Lovett: Who's the pie bitch, now?!

Sweeney: (Sob) me…

Mrs. Lovett: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Drags Sweeney upstairs)

(The audience is now forced to endure nearly three hours of pitiful groaning and angst-riddled screams of anguish. But seriously, like any of you wouldn't KILL to see this happen)

(Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett return below to her pie shop. Mrs. Lovett is still brandishing her rolling pin, as she has now decided that it has magical powers, and will never put it down again. Sweeney, on the other hand, is shaking, cowering behind Mrs. Lovett)

Mrs. Lovett: And they said the Sweenett fan base was just some poor girl's fantasy…

Sweeney: (Sob) I didn't know you could do so many things with one rolling pin…

Mrs. Lovett: It ain't just for smashin' them tai kon do fightin' cockroaches, love.

Sweeney: I swear, if that video ever ends up on your Youtube channel, I'm going to KILL you!

Mrs. Lovett: Are you kidding me? Youtube'll delete it for explicit content. That's all they do nowadays.

Sweeney: Thank God.

Mrs. Lovett: Anyway, don't you feel better now, Mr. T? I mean, that was the first time you've had some in over fifteen years.

Sweeney: (Growl) ABSTINENCE! RUINED!

Mrs. Lovett: Bull.

Sweeney: You're right. Anyway, I'm still angry and angst-filled! WHERE IS THE BEADLE?! I CAN'T WAIT, DESPITE THAT PAINFUL LESSON MRS. LOVETT JUST TAUGHT ME WITH THE AID OF A MAGICAL ROLLING PIN!

Mrs. Lovett: So you think it's magical too?

Sweeney: It HAS to be. I mean, it got _me_ in the sack, didn't it?

Mrs. Lovett: Wait. If this rolling pin has enough magic to allow me to screw you, then just imagine wot kind of shenanigans we could get into!

Sweeney: And you know how I love me some good ol' shenanigans…

Mrs. Lovett: You're getting that crazy look in your eyes again. Wanna go at it some more?

Sweeney: Oh, yes, Mrs. Lovett-WAIT! NO! God, would you put that stupid rolling pin away already?!

Mrs. Lovett: (Sighs. Attaches the rolling pin to her pie-baking utility belt)

Sweeney: Anyway…back to the plot now.

Mrs. Lovett: Seriously, Mr. T. You need to wait.

Sweeney: (Fumes)

Mrs. Lovett: Ok, Mr. T, I didn't wanna 'ave to resort to this, but it looks like I 'ave no choice now. Anyway, you brought this upon yourself, love.

Sweeney: What are you talking about?

Mrs. Lovett: (Straps Sweeney to a random chair with duct tape. AGAIN)

Sweeney: NOOOOOOOO!!!

Mrs. Lovett: (Turns on a random television, and one of those cheesy black and white fifties abstinence programs pops on)

Sweeney: Meep…

Host: Hiya, there! I'm your host, Bob Saveitforlateroryoumightgetherpes! I'm here to talk to you cool cats about a little thing I like to call abstinence.

(Suddenly, a rather crudely made puppet pops onto the screen. The puppet looks very similar to a ripe, red cherry (Sexual innuendo, anyone?), only it's got a really creepy, goofy grin painted on its face)

Puppet: Hiya, Bob!

Bob: Well, what do you know? It's Cherry, the happy-time abstinence puppet!

Cherry: Hiya!

Bob: Do you want to know what makes Cherry sadder than anything?

(Suddenly, a fat kid pops on the screen and screams "No!")

Bob: Well, this is what happens when you give yourself to someone before marriage. (Stomps on the puppet)

Cherry: (Implodes, red juice leaking everywhere)

Sweeney: (Cringes)

Mrs. Lovett: Yeah. That part always gets to me too.

Bob: Now remember, kids, save it for marriage, or a man-eating badger just might cause your penis to fall off.

(The film ends with creepy Mr. Rodgers style music tinkling in the background)

Sweeney: Well, then…

Mrs. Lovett: I'm sorry you 'ad to see that, Mr. T.

Sweeney: Mrs. Lovett?

Mrs. Lovett: Yes, Mr. T?

Sweeney: What the fuck did that have to do with anything?

Mrs. Lovett: It means wait, love.

Sweeney: You could have just told me, you know.

Mrs. Lovett: (Smacks Sweeney with the magical rolling pin of doom)

* * *

**_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_**

**Ha.**

**I TOLD you she was going to violate him, didn't I?**

**Didn't think I'd actually let her screw him though, did you?**

**Obviously one of my weaker chapters.**

**Just didn't seem as funny to me as the others.**

**I dunno, you can be the judge, I guess.**

**Anyway...**

**What kind of shenanigans will Mrs. Lovett and Sweeney get up to with the magical rolling pin of doom?**

**How's Anthony holding up in Johanna's closet?**

**And where exactly did Mrs. Lovett find a fifties abstinence program in Victorian London?**

**R&R please!**


	9. Mrs Lovett, I see GAY people!

**_DISCLAIMER:_**

**I, of course, do not own Sweeney Todd.**

**That much should be pretty damn obvious by now.**

**I don't own sudoku, Santa or his elves, rapist kangaroos, a vibrator named Johanna, or _The silence of the Lambs_.**

**I also do not own obscenely tight golden _or _blue trousers, and I especially do not own Hello Kitty.**

**I do own a body-sized chest though.**

**Now _there's _a penny for your thoughts.**

* * *

(We now join Sweeney Todd and Mrs. Lovett as they sit in the former's barbershop, sipping coffee and engaging themselves in early morning sudoku)

Sweeney: Mrs. Lovett, what's a nine-letter word for kill?

Mrs. Lovett: Slaughter, love. Any clue as to wot's an eight-letter antonym for one who eats its own kind?

Sweeney: (Thinking) I believe that would be cannibal, Mrs. Lovett.

(Suddenly, Anthony, dressed as an elf from Santa's workshop, barges into Sweeney's barber shop)

Anthony: Mr. Todd! Mr. Todd!

Mrs. Lovett: Who the bloody hell are you?

Anthony: Anthony Minus-The-H Hope, Miss, um…

Mrs. Lovett: Lovett, at your service. (Starts to grab the rolling pin of doom from her pie-baking utility belt)

Sweeney: (Grabs Mrs. Lovett's arm) Um…why do you need that?

Mrs. Lovett: Just look at him, Mr. T! He's so PRETTY! I just wanna eat him all up…(Licks lips)

Anthony: 0__o

Sweeney: But…but I thought you just used that to get _me_ in the sack?

Mrs. Lovett: Wot's the problem? You didn't even _want _to screw me, Mr. T.

Sweeney: (Clears his throat) Right. Um…I guess the rolling pin hasn't worn off just yet, that's all…

Anthony: Mr. T, it's Johanna!

Sweeney: Johanna…why do you suddenly look so much like a sexually confused sailor who harassed me on some gloomy, colorless, manic-depressive ship that I used to escape from gang-raping kangaroos? And why on earth are you dressed like an elf?

Anthony: No, Mr. Todd! It's me, Anthony! I met this beautiful boy named Johanna, but his sexually aggressive, incest-riddled guardian has him locked inside his room day in and day out.

Mrs. Lovett: But Anthony, Johanna is a girl-

Sweeney: (Taps Mrs. Lovett's shoulder, silencing her) No, no. I kind of wanna see how this one plays out...

Anthony: And I'm wearing this elf costume because the creepy men in that mysterious tent full of middle-aged men dressed in Santa costumes forced me to give them all lap dances dressed as their workers. But when they found out that I had a penis, they threw me out.

Mrs. Lovett: 0__o

Sweeney: Honestly, Anthony, how the hell do you get yourself into these kinds of situations?

Anthony: Well, I was asking around for ways to get Johanna out of his room and into freedom, and the Santa men told me that Johanna was waiting for me in their tent, so I went with them. But when they pushed this vibrator at me and told me it was Johanna, it was a bit too late.

Sweeney: (Grabs Anthony's collar, and starts shaking him vigorously) **WHERE'S JOHANNA, YOU LITTLE FAG?!**

Mrs. Lovett: (Smacks Sweeney with the rolling pin of doom) Hey! We don't use fowl language in this shop! (Turns to Anthony) Sorry 'bout that, dearie, but Mr. T has a bit o' a problem with gay people ever since that gang of male kangaroos-

Sweeney: **WE DON'T TALK ABOUT THAT HERE!!! NOT IN **_**MY**_** SHOP!!!** (Sobs)

Mrs. Lovett: (Pats Sweeney's shoulder) There, there, love. They're not gonna hurt you anymore.

Sweeney: (Whine) How can such cute, furry little animals be _so _incredibly sexually repressed?!

Anthony: But I'm not gay.

Sweeney/Mrs. Lovett: …

Anthony: Oh, I hate awkward silences!

Sweeney: What do you mean you're not gay? You're fondling over someone you think is a man!

Anthony: I _know _Johanna is a man, Mr. Todd.

Sweeney: (Flabbergasted) That means you're gay, you moron!

Anthony: No, that means I have impeccable taste in men. DUH.

Sweeney: W-what?

Mrs. Lovett: Um…Anthony, just what _do _you think gay means?

Anthony: It has something to do with fondling over little children, right?

Sweeney: 0__o

Mrs. Lovett: That's not gay, Anthony.

Anthony: Yes, it is! My father fondled over _me_, and everyone called him "that one gay bastard".

Mrs. Lovett: That's…so sad.

Sweeney: (Snicker) But funny in a really pathetic way, too!

Anthony: But enough about me! Judge Turpin has Johanna locked in his room, and he plans to force Johanna to make love to him!

Mrs. Lovett: Three…two…one…

Sweeney: **JUDGE TURPIN?! **_**HE**_** HAS MY PRECIOUS LITTLE JOHANNA?! HE'S GOING TO RAPE JOHANNA?! FIRST LUCY, AND NOW MY LITTLE JOHANNA?! I'M GOING TO USE MY RAZORS TO CHOP OFF THAT DAMN PENIS OF HIS!!!!!!!!!!!!**

Anthony: Way to fight for a cause, Mr. Todd!

Mrs. Lovett: (Raises her eyebrow at Anthony) There's somethin' wrong with you, isn't there? (Hears talking coming from outside. Steps over to the window, only to notice that Pirelli and Toby are standing at the door to her pie shop) Bloody hell!

Sweeney/Anthony: What?!

Mrs. Lovett: He looks kind of scary without them hair buns, you know…

Sweeney: Ooh! Let me put them on! I wanna rub it in his face! (Places the hair buns upon his head)

Anthony: No offense, Mr. Todd, but those hair buns make you look slightly chubby…

Sweeney: (Glares at Mrs. Lovett) See?! This is exactly why we need a gay man around the house!

Mrs. Lovett: I'll go and let him in! (Runs downstairs)

Anthony: What should I do?!

Sweeney: (Panicking) I dunno, I dunno! Oh! Get in the chest!

Anthony: Um…excuse me?

Sweeney: (Drags Anthony over to the body-sized chest in the corner of the room) Get in! Quick, they're coming!

Anthony: But Mr. Todd! I have claustrophobia!

Sweeney: (Maniacal laughter) Which goes hand-in-hand with _my_ _homo_phobia! (Shoves Anthony in the chest, locking it)

Anthony: (Muffled voice) Mr. Todd! I can't breathe! (Hyperventilating) Oh…I just pissed myself…(Passes out)

(Skip to Mrs. Lovett)

Mrs. Lovett: So, wot can I do for you, Mr. Pirelli?

Pirelli: Actually, "Your Supreme Lordly Masterful Barber of Godly Proportions" will suffice.

Mrs. Lovett: …I think I can manage with Pirelli. And wot just happened to your accent?

Toby: He's not really Italian! He's gay-

Pirelli: (Stomps rather hardly on Toby's foot, silencing him) What-a the boy-a means is-a that-a I-a have a-a cold-a.

Mrs. Lovett: …Which caused you to drop your entire I-talian accent?

Pirelli: Duh…a.

Mrs. Lovett: Apparently Mr. T ain't the only one wot with infallible logic.

Toby: But he really is gay!

Pirelli: (Nervous laughter) I-a don't-a know what-a the boy-a is-a speaking of…a.

Toby: Oh yeah? What about the time you acted out the scene where Buffalo Bill tucks it and dances in front of a mirror in _The Silence of the Lambs _for me?

Pirelli: **LE GASP-A! YOU SAID-A THAT-A YOU WOULD-A NEVER-A TELL-A!**

Mrs. Lovett: Well, if you really are gay, I dunno 'bout you goin' up there to see Mr. T. He sort o' has this bone to pick with gay people, for some reason…

Pirelli: Was-a it-a the kangaroos-a?

Mrs. Lovett: Wot? How the bloody hell do _you_ know?!

Pirelli: Everyone-a knows…a.

Toby: Yeah, it's all over the streets. They all been talkin' 'bout how he was gang-banged over and over for fifteen years by a group of sexually repressed male kangaroos. They also say that he's the barber Judge T sent to Australia fifteen years ago for raping chocolate-covered kittens, and how now he's come back to slice and dice.

Pirelli: Toby, you-a shouldn't believe-a everything you-a read on-a the internet-a. That slice-a and-a dice-a one is-a just an urban-a legend…a.

Mrs. Lovett/Toby: Wot's the internet?

Pirelli: (Shifty eyes)…I-a meant-a the newspapers.

Mrs. Lovett/Toby: (Shrugs)

Pirelli: Now-a show-a me-a to-a Mr.-a Todd!

Mrs. Lovett: Right up the stairs, love. Say, would you mind lettin' me give the poor thing a nice juicy pie to eat? Nothin' but skin n' bones, he is. (Poking Toby's stomach)

Toby: (Giggles) I likes it when she pokes me there…

Pirelli: SI, MADEMOISELLE!

Mrs. Lovett: (Looking around)

Pirelli: Um…what-a are-a you-a doing?

Mrs. Lovett: See wot?

Pirelli: (Rolls eyes in dramatic Italian fashion) Never-a mind…a. (Walks up the stairs)

Mrs. Lovett: C'mon, love. Let me go an' fetch the cyanide, and I'll whip up a nice, good ol', juicy pie for you, dear. (Begins to drag Toby into her shop)

Toby: Cyanide? Meep…(Door closes on them in a creep black-and-white horror movie manner)

(Skip to Sweeney)

(Faint scratching noises coming from Anthony, who is sobbing quietly inside of the chest)

Sweeney: (Cleaning his razors) Only a little bit longer, my little homosexual friend…

(Suddenly, Pirelli barges in through the door)

Pirelli: **MR. BENJAMIN BARKER!**

Sweeney: **GASP!**

Background Music: **DUN DUN DUN DUN!!!**

Sweeney: You…

Pirelli: Yes, I!

Sweeney: No!

Pirelli: (Grabs Sweeny by the shoulder, and whispers seductively in his ear) Say it…

Sweeney: I can't…

Pirelli: (Shakes Sweeney by the collar) **SAY IT!!!**

Sweeney: You…you…

Pirelli: **OH YES!!! GO ON!!!**

Sweeney: You're not Italian.

Pirelli: You dumb fuck! Of course I'm not Italian! I'm British, just like you!

Sweeney: (Drops to his knees) Oh! What a fool I've been!

Pirelli: And unless you want me to call up the Beadle and have him tell Judge Turpin who you really are, then I'd suggest you submit to my demands.

Sweeney: Which are?

Pirelli: I want half of your profits.

Sweeney: Well, that doesn't seem _so _bad…

Pirelli: Second, you're to be my love slave.

Sweeney: (Girly scream)

Pirelli: third, you're going to marry me.

Sweeny: (Groan)

Pirelli: In a public place.

Sweeny: Oh, no…

Pirelli: **OH, YES!!!!!!!!**

Sweeney: Is that all?

Pirelli: Not even.

Sweeney: What else?

Pirelli: You're to respond to me as "Your Supreme Lordly Masterful Barber of Godly Proportions" from now on. AND-

Sweeney: **THERE'S **_**MORE?!**_

Pirelli: One last thing. I want my hair buns back.

Sweeney: (Sigh) I should have expected that…(Hands the hair buns over to Pirelli)

Pirelli: Besides, they made you look slightly chubby anyway.

Sweeney: …

Pirelli: Oh, God! I hate awkward silences!

Anthony: Me too!

Pirelli: (Looks around with a confused expression, then shrugs it off)

Sweeney: Did you just say they made me look… slightly chubby?

Pirelli: Um…yes?

Sweeney: **ONLY A GAY MAN WOULD BE ABLE TO SEE THAT! YOU'RE GAY! YOU WEAR TIGHT PANTS, AND YOU'RE GAY!!!**

Pirelli: (Whimper) Does this mean you _don't_ want to be my love slave?

Sweeney: **AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**!

(And it suddenly struck Sweeney that he wasn't quite sure what to do with this new homosexual fiend. Of course he had to kill him. After all, the secret was out now. He was gay.)

Sweeney: (Pacing back and forth) What to do? What to do? He knows that I know he's gay, and if I don't kill him, he'll spoil my slaughtering of London. And he wears tight pants, which is a crime against groins everywhere. What to do?

Pirelli: (Too stupid to realize that while Sweeney was pacing, he could have very easily snuck out of the room to freedom) You say it like my wearing tight pants is a _bad _thing…

Sweeney: **HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DISPOSE OF YOU?!**

(Suddenly...)

(Skip to Mrs. Lovett)

Toby: Golly, Mrs. Lovett! These cockroach pies sure are tasty! (Wolfs down a pie)

Mrs. Lovett: You don't get out much, do you, Toby?

Toby: No, but it's not like I _wanted_ to be that horrible man's love slave!

Mrs. Lovett: Tell me, Toby, 'ow _did_ you come to be that dreadful I-talian's love slave?

Sweeney: (From upstairs) IT-alian!

Mrs. Lovett: **YELLOW HAIR!!!**

Toby: I sure wish my future relationships will be just like wot you 'ave with Mr. Todd.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, you're a keeper.

Toby: Anyway, I wanted to be a singer, but I didn't have no money for an agent, so I got meself a job at the workhouse, and that's where Pirelli bought me. Been with him ever since.

Mrs. Lovett: Ooh, you sing?! Go on, give me a sample!

Toby: (Horribly tone-deaf for this one particular song)

_I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT SHORT AND STOUT_

_HERE IS MY HANDLE _

_HERE IS MY SPOUT!_

**EVERYBODY!!!**

Mrs. Lovett: Um…

(Back upstairs)

Sweeney: Teapot? That's it! (Turns to Pirelli) Would you mind waiting up here for just a few minutes?

Pirelli: (Shrugs)

Sweeney: Fantabulous! **GASP!** **YOUR GAY IS RUBBING OFF ON ME!!!** (Slaps Pirelli, and then runs downstairs into Mrs. Lovett's pie shop) **TEAPOT, TEAPOT, TEAPOT!!!**

Mrs. Lovett: Say wot?

Toby: Oh! He wants me to sing for him! Well-

Sweeney: When did _you_ get here?

Toby: I've _been_ here…

Sweeney: Oh. Well, bugger off. Mrs. Lovett!

Mrs. Lovett: Wot?

Sweeney: We need to heat up a teapot!

Mrs. Lovett: Um…why?

Sweeney: Because I have the strangest feeling I know what to do once I bring the burning hot teapot up to Signor Pirelli…(Satanic grin)

Mrs. Lovett: I love it when you get that look, Mr. T!

Sweeney: I know, right? And once we dispose of him, you can go ahead and use that magical rolling pin of doom to spank me, Mrs. Lovett!

Mrs. Lovett/Toby: …

Sweeney: (Nervous laughter) Heh…heh…guess that rolling pin's effects last longer than I thought…

(Sweeney suddenly opens the door to his barbershop, carrying a plate into the room. The audience members quick enough to catch that the teapot has a _Hello Kitty_ sticker on it and flowers on the actual teapot and cups themselves promptly laugh their asses off)

Sweeney: Tea time!

Pirelli: You mean, you're not going to kill me?

Sweeney: Well, I thought about it and all, but then I thought, "What's the point?" I mean, you have your hair buns, and I still have my dignity, and in the end, that's all that really matters. Tea?

Pirelli: Well, don't mind if I do. (Sweeney offers him a pink cup, pours tea into it, and Pirelli drinks it. However he begins choking) **CAN'T…BREATHE!**

Sweeney: What's the matter?!

Pirelli: What's…in…this…shit?

Sweeney: Just a minute. Stay right there. (Runs back downstairs) Um…Mrs. Lovett?

Mrs. Lovett: Wot?

Sweeney: Pirelli's sort of dying up there.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, well that's not good. 'Aven't I told you not to play with your food, Mr. T?

Sweeney: What did you put in the teapot?

Mrs. Lovett: Tea.

Sweeney: (Rolls eyes in dramatic angst-filled protagonist fashion) What did you out in the _tea_, Mrs. Lovett?

Mrs. Lovett: Honey.

Sweeney: Right! (Runs all the way back up to his barbershop) She says she put honey in it.

Pirelli: **LE GASP! I'M ALLERGIC TO HONEY! **(Passes out)

Sweeney: Well, I _was _just going to have Anthony rape him with this teapot, and then I'd slam it into his skull multiple times, but I suppose this works too. (Drags Pirelli over to the chest, unlocks it, and opens it)

Anthony: (Gasping for air) Oh, Mr. Todd! I knew you'd let me out! Thank you so-

Sweeney: (Drops Pirelli into the chest, forcing Anthony back into it, and then locks it shut) Oh. Sorry, Anthony.

Anthony: (Muffled sob)

(Suddenly, Toby barges into the barbershop) Mr. Todd! Where's Pirelli?

Sweeney: He went out to buy some new tight pants.

Toby: But the doctor said that any more tight pants would cause him to have an epileptic seizure!

Sweeney: Um…damn.

Toby: Yeah, that's why I told Mrs. Lovett that she should return those incredibly sexy, tight, scarlet trousers she bought you for her birthday.

Sweeney: Mrs. Lovett wants to see me in tight, scarlet trousers? I'll keep that one in mind…

Toby: Well, I suppose I should just wait up here with you, then.

Sweeney: Go eat another pie.

Toby: I already ate all of her supplies.

Sweeney: Go sing to Mrs. Lovett, then.

Toby: She's wearing earplugs, Mr. T.

Sweeney: (Desperate) Um…tell her I told you to tell her to…give your twelve-year-old body large amounts of alcoholic beverages to consume?

Toby: Oh boy! Thanks, Mr. T! (Runs downstairs)

Sweeney: Well, that went unusually well. (Walks over to the chest, unlocks it, and opens it. Again)

Anthony: (Gasping for air) **MR. TODD!** (Clinging to Sweeney's coat) **DON'T MAKE ME GO BACK IN THERE!!!** (Sob)

Sweeney: (Stroking Anthony's hair) There, there, Anthony…it's going to be ok…oh, Pirelli?

Pirelli: (Sits up straight) Who the fuck are you? I don't remember anything! Oh, wait, there was that party, and that one creepy old judge who kept trying to cram himself into my tight, blue trousers.

Anthony: Wait. Was he wearing tight, _golden _trousers?

Pirelli: Don't all creepy judges?

Anthony: You have a good point, Tight-Trousered one.

Sweeney: **ENOUGH CHITCHAT! DIE, YOU STUPID MUTANT OFFSPRING OF LEIA AND BORAT!!! **(Holds the razor high in the air in a manner which only happens in shitty B horror movies, and then slices into Pirelli's neck)

Pirelli: **GURGLE GURGLE SPLISH SPLASH SPLAT! **(Dies)

Anthony: (Now covered profusely in Pirelli's blood) **AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! WHY DOES THIS SHIT KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?!**

* * *

**_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_**

**Sorry. It's a been a while since I last updated.**

**This was a pretty long chapter. I hope you find it funny.**

**I feel so bad for Anthony. Honestly, I've been putting him through endless shit, haven't I?**

**I've been reading through this parody, and I've realized, with all the crap I've done to Anthony, I could actually write a serious fanfic based on this parody. I think I will someday. **

**Anyway...**

**Will Sweeney ever get over his gang-raping kangaroo induced homophobia?**

**What has the magical rolling pin of doom done to Sweeney? Or is there something else going on?**

**Will Anthony ever get Pirelli's blood off of his clothes?**

**And where has Judge Turpin been all this time?**

**In the next chapter, Judge Turpin takes dating counseling from the Beadle.**

**R&R please!**


	10. The Beadle: Ladies man extraordinaire!

_**DICLAIMER:**_

**I do not own Sweeney Todd. **

**If I did, I'd be making this parody into an actual movie with obscene amounts of cash.**

**I do not own Victoria's Secret, Britney Spears, James Bond, Sean Connery, Oliver Twist, or the Kool Aid Man.**

**I did steal the courtroom/Kool Aid Man scene from Family Guy, though, sly devil that I am.**

* * *

(We now join Judge Turpin at the courtroom, where he is sporting a powdered wig and a Snape's cloak look-alike. A small, Oliver Twist look-alike sits on a bench, sobbing uncontrollably)

Judge Turpin: Oliver Twist look-alike, you have sinned for the last time! I do NOT tolerate raping chocolate-covered kittens! **EVERYONE KNOWS THAT!**

Oliver Twist Look-alike: Actually, they was _vanilla ice cream_-covered kittens, sir…

Judge Turpin/Beadle: 0__o

Lawyer: If the glove don't fit, you must acquit!

Judge Turpin: Um…I don't really think that applies to this situation. **DEATH BY HANGING!!!**

Oliver Twist Look-alike: **OH NO!!!**

Attendants: **OH NO!!!**

Kool Aid Man: **OH YEAH!!!**

Judge Turpin: **DON'T MAKE ME PUT SPLENDA IN YOU!!!**

Kool Aid Man: (Runs out of the courtroom in horror)

(We later see Judge Turpin and the Beadle walking outside. The Judge had resumed wearing his usual grubby rich-boy clothing, stubble and tight, golden trousers. The Beadle…hasn't really changed that much at all)

Beadle: So, we gonna go watch the lil' blighter hang?

Judge Turpin: No, I'm grumpy.

Beadle: Awwww…did someone fuck up things with Johanna last night?

Judge Turpin: I don't know _what_ I did wrong! I did everything Cosmo Magazine said to do! I put on my best pair of speedos and covered my nipples in whipped cream, but when I offered myself to her, the insufferable little hussy had the _nerve_ to look horrified!

Beadle: Wait…which pair of speedos?

Judge Turpin: The new Victoria's Secret zebra print ones I just got.

Beadle: Ooh…you really should've worn the electric blue ones instead; they really bring out your eyes.

Judge Turpin: **I CAN'T DO **_**ANYTHING**_** RIGHT!!!**

Beadle: Permission to call you a fat, ugly slob, my lord?

Judge Turpin: Um…granted?

Beadle:

_You're looking less than your best, my lord_

_You still have that stain from that Bic Mac on your shirt, my lord_

_A bath here and there couldn't hurt, my lord_

_You haven't changed that thong in years, my lord_

_You know, the one you got from Sears, my lord_

_Your appearance is looking rather shabby, my lord_

_Your stomach has grown somewhat flabby, my lord_

_And ladies, my lord, are weak! _(Creepy smile)

Judge Turpin: I don't know about that. Johanna can bench press 350.

Beadle: (Rolls eyes in a "I'm such a fat creeper" fashion)

_Your beard has grown so long, my lord_

_That you can barely speak in this song, my lord_

_No wonder the poor girl's revolted at your presence, my lord_

_But with a trim she'll marry you without hesitance, my lord_

_All you require is a shave, my lord_

_And I know a barber whose all the rage, my lord_

_And soon, my lord, you'll dazzle the girl until-_

Edward Cullen: (Pops out of nowhere) I can has dazzle?

Judge Turpin: No you cannot has dazzle!

Edward Cullen: (Pouts, and then disappears)

Beadle:

_She'll bow to your every…willy!_

Judge Turpin: Um…don't you mean, "will?"

Beadle: (Raises eyebrow seductively)

Judge Turpin: Wha-oh! I get it! That's actually rather witty, whoever thought up that one!

Beadle: (Facepalm)

Judge Turpin: So, where can I find this barber?

Beadle: Just above Mrs. Lovett's pie shop on Fleet Street.

Judge Turpin: Wait, isn't that the woman who tried to sell me those meth-laced meat pies?

Beadle: She _swears_ she got it from the neighbors.

Judge Turpin: No problem…it's not like I was complaining, or anything…

Beadle: Well, anyway, the barber goes by the name of Sweeney Todd, that he does.

Judge Turpin: How lovely! Doesn't sound like the name of a barber-gone serial killer at all, does it?

Beadle: Yeah! I hear he's the one who fixed Britney Spears up with her new wig after she shaved her head.

Judge Turpin: Seriously? What an artist! You _must _take me to see him at once!

Beadle: Right-O!

Judge Turpin: You know, Beadle, you never told me you knew so much about women before.

Beadle: I was once an understudy for Sean Connery in the James Bond movies. Besides, you never asked.

(The gloomy, colorless, manic-depressed camera now zooms out, showing Judge Turpin walking hand-in-hand with the Beadle into the sunset, warm, fuzzy music filling the movie)

Audience Member #1: Awwww…how sweet! This scene symbolizes how much the Beadle's friendship has to offer Judge Turpin on his journey through life!

Audience Member #2: And here _I_ thought they were just gay for each other.

* * *

**_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_**

**The audience members crack me up. xD**

**I can't imagine the Beadle playing James Bond.**

**It's not something I could watch with a straight face, that's for sure.**

**Anyway...**

**Just how _does_ the Beadle know that Judge Turpin's electric blue thong brings out his eyes?**

**Where did Judge Turpin find an issue of Cosmo Magazine in 1800's Victorian London?**

**And just _how_ is Sweeney going to react to seeing Judge Turpin for the first time in fifteen years?**

**R&R please!**


	11. Night of the Illiterate Mary Sues

(It suddenly occurs to your dearly beloved Velvet Liquor that she has not uploaded a Halloween edition to this Sweeney Todd parody. So, for your immediate viewing pleasures...)

(Creepy background music tolling)

Background Music Technician: You know, I'm really getting sick and tired of all this somber, creepy-ass background music. I mean, would it kill the guy to listen to some Katy Perry every once in a while?

Lighting Technician: You're kidding me? Have you _seen _the lighting for this movie? I swear, it's like sucking out all the color out of the world and looking through a green-filtered lens.

Velvet Liquor: Hey, you up there, shut up! Honestly, what do you think I'm paying you for?

Background Music Technician: Um…

Lighting Technician: You're not paying us at all.

Velvet Liquor: Oh. Right. Well, keep doing what you're doing, then.

(We now join Sweeney Todd in his barber parlor, who is brooding profusely)

Sweeney: Brood…brood…brood…

(Suddenly, Mrs. Lovett barges through the door, and the lighting and angle closes in on the magical rolling pin of doom enclosed in her fist, _Psycho _music filling the background. She leaps at Sweeney, and proceeds to stab the rolling pin into him again and again)

Sweeney: AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! What the hell are you doing, woman?!

Mrs. Lovett: (Stops) Oh. I thought you was the judge…

Sweeney: Does the judge look like he's wearing a skunk on his head?

Mrs. Lovett: Well-

Sweeney: Never mind. Don't answer that. What do you want?

Mrs. Lovett: Wait, where _is _the judge?

Sweeney: Coffee break. (Continuously brooding)

Mrs. Lovett: I see. Well then, wot _are_ you doing, love?

Sweeney: Brooding. I was just running my index finger over my dead wife's photo and remembering how hot and spicy she was, and all out games of naked Mario Kart on the Wii.

Mrs. Lovett: Unh…

Sweeney: (Dreamy sigh) Good times, good times…

Mrs. Lovett: (Smacks Sweeney with the rolling pin)

Sweeney: What was that for?

Mrs. Lovett: Yer wife is dead, you bloody ol' coot! Get over it! Tap something else while yer at it!

Sweeney: (Hisses. Turns to his razors) She just doesn't understand-

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, I understand perfectly. Wot you're tryin' to tell me is that you still love yer stupid ol' wife, and the only thing you remember 'bout her is that she was a blonde.

Sweeney: Yellow hair.

Mrs. Lovett: Either way, yer chasin' after a lost dream, Mr. T. If I was yer Lucy, I'd be pretty damn pissed at you for fergettin' wot I looked like. Sometimes the past comes back to haunt you…(Dramatic music as she gazes off at the full moon, howling in the distance)

Sweeney: (Ruins the creepy mood) What, are you a werewolf, or something?

Mrs. Lovett: ...No, Mr. T. I'm just sayin' that you should be careful 'bout what you say round these here parts. After all, wot, with the curse and all…

Sweeney: Um…curse?

Mrs. Lovett: They say a barmaid died in this very pie shop down below us…

Sweeney: How?

Mrs. Lovett: (Dramatic pause) Nobody knows…

Sweeney: Ok, who are 'they'? Just curious. And how do you not know how a barmaid died in your own shop?

Mrs. Lovett: (Suddenly her eyes go wide and milky white. Hoarse voice) The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches... born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies... and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not... and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives...the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies…

Sweeney: Ok, how is the fifth Harry Potter movie supposed to be a horror film?

Velvet Liquor: Do I _really_ need to show you the slide _again_?

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, yes! I love seeing Voldy's sexy snake face! (Cheesy grin)

Sweeney: Mrs. Lovett, I think you just answered my question _for_ me.

Mrs. Lovett: Anyway, just be careful, ok, Mr. T?

Sweeney: (Grumble)

Mrs. Lovett: That's the spirit! Now, Toby's downstairs bakin' some pies for us. You comin'?

Sweeney: (Forced smile) And miss your world famous meat pies? Not a chance.

Mrs. Lovett: (Oblivious) Right-o!

(However, as our two murderous companions enter the pie shop, they see Toby hunched over in the corner of the shop, munching noises filling the room)

Sweeney: Now Toby, I understand that Mrs. Lovett's pies taste like horseshit, but that doesn't mean you have to eat them in the dark.

Toby: (Turns around, only to be seen eating off a human foot) Mrs. Lovett…I don't feel so good…

Mrs. Lovett: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! Mr. T, he's eating a human foot! (Note irony here)

Sweeney: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! I know! Toby, what about swine flu?! YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT FOOT'S BEEN!

Toby: BRRRRRRRRRRAAAAIIIIINNNSSS…(Starts to crawl over to Mrs. Lovett)

Sweeney: What the hell does "BRRRRRRRRRRAAAAIIIIINNNSSS…" mean?

Mrs. Lovett: Brains, Mr. T. Brains.

Sweeney: Oh. Right.

(The camera now zooms in on Mrs. Lovett and Sweeney running out of the pie shop and into the streets)

Mrs. Lovett: What do we do?!

Sweeney: (High pitched squeal) I don't know!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Sobbing) I'M TOO YOUNG TO HAVE AN UNTALENTED OLIVER TWIST KNOCKOFF DEVOUR MY BRAINS!!!!!!!!!!!

Mrs. Lovett: (Slaps Sweeney)

Sweeney: Thanks, I needed that.

Mrs. Lovett: (Kinky smile) So did I…

Sweeney: (Gulps)

(Suddenly, a blonde man with glasses creeps up next to them)

Blonde Man: They're coming to get you, Barbara…

Sweeney: Um…my name's not Barbara.

Roger: Oh, sorry. (Turns to Mrs. Lovett)

Mrs. Lovett: Don't look at me.

Roger: (Sighs) Ok, I'm looking for Barbara. Anyone seen her? She's about five feet tall, skinny-

Sweeney: Red hair, birthmark on her cheek?

Roger: Why, yes…how did you know?

Sweeney: She's about to sink her teeth into your cranium.

Roger: (Turns around) AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

Mrs. Lovett: TAKE THIS, BRAIN EATING, SQUIRREL RAPING ZOMBIE! (Shoots Barbara with the magical rolling pin of doom, showering Roger with blood and gore)

Roger: Um…thanks. I guess…well, anyway, I'm Roger.

Sweeney: Squirrel raping?

Mrs. Lovett: Dining on brains is only a step away from raping a squirrel, Mr. T.

Sweeney: 0__o

Roger: Well, it's obvious we're not safe here. London's being attacked by zombies. I suggest we get to higher ground.

Mrs. Lovett: They're zombies, love, not a flood.

Sweeney: Yeah, who died and made you in charge? I'm the protagonist!

Roger: But it appears to me that you're also not the one with a rolling pin that can shoot lasers.

Mrs. Lovett: (Dreamy expression) I agree with Roger…

Roger: Then lead on, Mrs…

Mrs. Lovett: Lovett, dearie. (Bats eyelashes at Roger)

Sweeney: -__-

Roger: (Blushes) Well then, lead on, Mrs. Lovett!

Mrs. Lovett: (Gigglesnort)

Sweeney: GASP! You never gigglesnorted for _me_!

Mrs. Lovett: Well, _you_ never rubbed honey all over my back, and then licked it clean.

Roger: Um…neither have I.

Mrs. Lovett: That's wot _you_ think…

Sweeney/Roger: 0__o

(The camera zooms out, and our trio can be seen traveling through the blood-soaked streets of London. Now, the camera angle suddenly whips over to Judge Turpin's house. We now join Johanna in her bedroom)

Johanna: (Staring at her birds, eyeing them nervously)

_Green finch and linnet bird…_

Birds: (Flapping madly, slamming themselves against the bars) TWEEEEEEEETTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Johanna: (Cheesy 70's style close-up of sweat on her forehead)

_Nightingale, blackbird…_

Birds: (Pushing so hard against the cage door, that it's almost ready to burst open…) TWEEEEEEETTTTT!!!!

Johanna: (Hyperventilating in overly dramatic fashion)

_How is it you sing…_

(Suddenly, the birds erupt from the cage, diving at Johanna, pecking at her skin, covering her in far too red blood that covers her entire body far too easily and far too fast. _Psycho _music plays in the background music)

Johanna: (Covered in bird dropping now; several audience members notice that the blood covering her body two shots ago is now completely gone) THAT'S THE WRONG MOVIE!!!

Background Music Technician: …Oh.

Judge Turpin: (Flies through the doorway leading into Johanna's bedroom) Oh, Johanna! How did you know a scantily clad Victorian woman covered in bird dropping is my secret sexual fetish?! (Jumps on top of Johanna)

Johanna: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (Knees Judge Turpin in the groin)

Judge Turpin: (Squeals. Falls over) That's _another_ one of my secret sexual fetishes…

Johanna: Unh….ew. (Runs out of the house, and onto the streets of London)

Mob: (Carrying pitchforks) Avast, she-thing!

Johanna: LE GASP!

Mob: What?

Johanna: (Crying happily) You called me a 'she'….

Mob: Be ye a virgin?

Johanna: Well, yes. Well, if you're not counting that time the Judge drugged me with morphine and told me we were playing a game of 'Hide and Seek', that is…

Mob: Close enough. Grab the virgin!!!! (They magically produce a large, curiously body-shaped birdcage from out of nowhere, and throw Johanna inside of it) Onward, to the monster!!!!!!!!!

Johanna: WWAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

(As the Mob carries Johanna off to certain death, a young, pretty girl steps out in front of the camera. Oh, wait-no, that's just Anthony)

Anthony: Johanna! Nooooo!!!

Mysterious Voice: Drink from me and live forever…(Fan girls everywhere nearly cream themselves when Lestat steps out of the darkness and saunters over towards Anthony)

Anthony: Are you my mother?

Lestat: …Possibly.

Anthony: Mummy! I've missed you! They've taken Johanna! WAAAAHHHH!!! (Runs over to Lestat and hugs him)

Lestat: There, there…(Bites into Anthony's neck)

Anthony: (Gigglesnort) That tickles…(Passes out)

Lestat: (Sigh) This one's even whinier than Louis was…

(We now rejoin the terrible trio, as they make their way through blood-sloshed streets)

Roger: Look! Up ahead, it's some kind of hotel, or something.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, goodie! Roger, yer welcome to share _my_ room…

Roger: Uh…

Sweeney: I'm sure Roger's still getting over the death of his wife, Barbara.

Roger: She wasn't my wife.

Sweeney: Girlfriend.

Roger: She wasn't my girlfriend either.

Sweeney: Best friend with benefits?

Roger: Well, we did get drunk and fool around this one time, but-

Sweeney: You see? He's still getting over the death of his dearly beloved best friend with benefits. I guess I'll have to share your room with you, Mrs. Lovett.

Mrs. Lovett: Great. Guess I'll be needing _this_ again…(Pats the magical rolling pin of doom)

Sweeney: Meep…

(Roger knocks on the door to the motel, and a man wearing a sweater vest opens the door)

Man: Um…yes?

Roger: Well, begging your pardon, but it's raining, and there are zombies, and we sort of wanted to know, if it's not too difficult on your part, if you-

Sweeney: Open the fucking door and let us in.

Mrs. Lovett: I sure love me a man who can take charge like that…

Sweeney: -__-

Man: You can stay here, so long as you don't wake Mother…(Lightening crashes against the sky, and in the background, a giant billboard with Mother, from Futurama, can be seen glaring down at them)

Sweeney: I never really thought I'd live to see the day when someone would actually combine Futurama with Psycho in a Sweeney Todd parody…

Mrs. Lovett: Strange things are happening in the city o' London tonight…

Roger: I'll say…

Man: Well, come on in, then…

(The trio enters the hotel, and the screen fades to the Mob, carrying a screaming Johanna)

Mob: Be quiet, you wicked she-thing! Thou hast been chosen for the monster!

Johanna: Monster?! What the hell does the monster want to do with me?!

Mob: I dunno, eat you, or something like that. Or rape you.

Johanna: D:

(The Mob stops at a large, shadowy castle. They barge through the front door, running down into the basement. Organ music can be heard. They stop at the door leading to the cellar)

Johanna: You're not going to make me go in there, are you?!

Mob: (Dumps Johanna out of the cage, and throws her into the cellar, locking the door behind her)

Johanna: (Stands up, and the audience member sees that, going with cheesy B horror flicks, her dress has almost entirely been ripped off for no apparent reason whatsoever) Oh, that dreadful organ music! The monster must be the one playing it! I think I'll just go right to him, then! (Runs toward the organ music, screaming like a mad woman, as if she were actually being _forced _to go there, rather than run there of her own accord)

(The lights focus on a hideously misshaped man playing the organ music, weeping and moaning. No one seems to register the fact that he's playing _Phantom of the Opera_)

Phantom:

_Bum, da da da da bum bum bum!_

Johanna: (Walking ever-so-slowly toward the Phantom, her nearly nonexistent dress swaying in the windless room)

_In sleep he sang to me…_

_In dreams he came…_

_That voice which calls to me…_

_And speaks my name…_

Phantom: Johanna…

Johanna:

_And do I dream again?_

_For now I find-_

_The Phantom of this parody is there…_

_Inside my mind…_

Phantom:

_Sing once again with me, our strange duet_

_My power over you, grows stronger yet_

_And though you turn from me…_

(Johanna turns away in a dramatic fashion)

_To glance behind…_

_The Phantom of this parody is there…_

_Inside your mind…_

Johanna: (Manly, low bass voice)

_BUM, DA DA DA DA BUM BUM BUM!_

Phantom: Sing for me, my angel of music…

Johanna: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHH-

Phantom: Ok, ok. Stop.

Johanna: You know, I think men in masks are really sexy…

Phantom: Really?

Johanna: And it really turns me on when they take them off, so I can actually see who I'm about to make out with…

Phantom: Really? Well, then-hey! I see what's going on here. No, Johanna. I can't. I'm hideous.

Johanna: Well, if you insist…hey, what's that? (Points behind the Phantom)

Phantom: What? (Turns around)

Johanna: (Tackles the Phantom to the ground and rips his mask off) Wait, what? The Beadle?

Beadle: AAAAAAHHHHH!!! NO! AVERT YOUR EYES!!!

Johanna: But I don't understand. You look exactly like you did before.

Beadle: Rub it in, why don't you? Bitch…

(Suddenly, Lestat and Anthony break through the cellar wall)

Lestat: (Hisses, but stops when he hears someone whispering 'Shimmer, shimmer') Anthony, what the hell are you doing now?

Anthony: (Giggles) Shimmer, shimmer?

Lestat: For the last time, we do NOT sparkle in the sunlight! That's fully reserved for silverware and gay men.

Anthony: D:

Johanna: Anthony, you're a vampire now?

Anthony: What good is being a vampire if you can't even make people's eyes water when you go to the beach?

Johanna: Well, I think bloodsucking vampires are totally sexy!

Anthony: (Squeal. Runs off with Johanna into the moonlight)

Beadle: (Edges closer to Lestat) Well, how 'bout-

Lestat: No.

Beadle: -__-

(We now see Sweeney Todd sitting on the bed in his and Mrs. Lovett's hotel room. He's flipping through the channels on the old television set)

Sweeney: God, what's _with _this place? All there is to watch is _The Price is Right_! You suck, Drew Carry! Bob Barker can whoop your fat ass any day! (Hears the water in the shower turn off) Mrs. Lovett, you done in there? (No answer) Mrs. Lovett? (No answer again. Walks over to the bathroom door) Mrs. Lovett, you ok in there? (Hears a loud, bone-chilling howl, and glass shattering) Mrs. Lovett! (Breaks the door down and runs into the bathroom)

(_Psycho _music plays as Sweeney look around the bathroom, horrified as he sees reddish-brown clumps of fur everywhere, and Mrs. Lovett's dress torn to pieces)

Roger: (Barges into the hotel room) I heard the _Psycho _music! Is everything ok?

Sweeney: Roger, I think Mrs. Lovett just shaved for the _first time ever_…

Roger: Or she could be a werewolf.

Sweeney: Oh, yeah. That too. A really hairy, naked werewolf.

Roger: We gonna go and look for her?

Sweeney: Psh! I'm filthy! I need to take a shower. Fuzzy can fend for herself.

Roger: Well, I guess I'll go back to my room now. (Exists, and enters the hallway, the door closing behind him. He looks down the hallway, and sees two twin men thrusting their hips toward him) Um…what?

Twins: (Thrusting their hips out to him over and over again) Hello, Roger. Come and play with us. Come and play with us, Roger. (Lick their lips in unison)

Roger: What? No, I should really-

Twins: (Suddenly right in front of Roger, and they start to drag him into his room)

Roger: (Muffled scream)

(The door closes in dramatic, horrifying fashion)

(Sweeney's taking a shower. Fan girls shit themselves)

Sweeney:

_It's raining men!_

_Oh, oh oh hoooooo!!!!_

(Suddenly, the _Psycho _music starts up again)

Sweeney: (Tries to cover himself with a sponge) AAAAAHHHH!!!! Not right now! I'm INDECENT!!!

(The _Psycho _music gets louder, and louder, and louder, until the shower curtains are ripped open, and the camera angle shoots to an enclosed fist, holding something that the camera isn't showing yet. The fist is seen stabbing into Sweeney, and he and his attacker fall into the shower, the curtains getting twisted around them)

Sweeney: Judge Turpin?!

Judge Turpin: Um…hi.

Sweeney: Why the fuck did you just hit me with a dildo?!

Judge Turpin: Well, you see, my vibrator isn't quite accessible at the time being.

Sweeney: DX

Judge Turpin: Well, fancy seeing _you _here, Mr. Todd, all defenseless beneath me, nothing but a dildo between us…

Sweeney: All the more reason for you to get the fuck off me.

(Suddenly, Roger's screams can be heard from the next room)

Sweeney: Roger!

Judge Turpin: Roger? Ooh. Is he cute?

Sweeney: GET OFF!

(The camera switches to Sweeney and Judge Turpin, fully clothed for your information, and they break into Roger's room)

Sweeney: Roger, you in here?

Judge Turpin: I think he left a note. (Gives a piece of paper to Sweeney)

Sweeney: 'All work and no play makes Roger a very sexually repressed young man'…what the hell? (Suddenly, Roger can be heard crying, and they see him hiding under the bed, a blanket wrapped around him) Roger? You ok? What happened?

Roger: There…there were two twin men, and they…they raped me, Mr. Todd! I was raped _three _times!

Sweeney: I thought you said there were only two of them?

Roger: (Sniffles) They had a cat with them.

Sweeney: DX

Judge Turpin: Well, this one seems pretty emotionally screwed, so I bet he wouldn't mind being physically screwed one more time…

Sweeney/Roger: What?

Judge Turpin: (Pushes Sweeney out the door and locks it)

Sweeney: Well, then…have fun, Roger.

Roger: (Muffled sob)

Judge Turpin: (Opens the door and pokes his head out) Forgive me for being rude, Mr. Todd; would you like to watch?

Sweeney: __

(We now join Mrs. Lovett, as she runs through London as a werewolf. Suddenly, the moon is covered with clouds, and she turns back into a woman. A _naked _woman)

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, bollocks. I'm hangin' out.

Mysterious Voice: Drink from me and live forever…

Mrs. Lovett: Wot?

Lestat: (Saunters out of the darkness) Drink from me and live for-

Mrs. Lovett: (Tackles Lestat) OHMYGODYOUARESOFUCKINGHAWT111!!!!

Lestat: Um…thank you?

Mrs. Lovett: HOLYSHIT!!! IWANTTOHAVEYOURUNDEADBABIES!!!!

Lestat: What? I'm afraid you've misunderstood-

Mrs. Lovett: (Dragging Lestat off into the pie shop) Oh, you an' me, love, we gonna have us a real nice time, that we are…

Lestat: Oh God…

(We now rejoin our moody protagonist as he sulks up the pathway to the pie shop/barber parlor. However, right as he puts his hand on the door knob to the pie shop's door, Lestat runs out, his hair disheveled, fear in his eyes)

Sweeney: Who the fuck-

Lestat: GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!! THEY'RE COMING FOR YOU!!! (Runs down the rest of Fleet Street, screaming like a mad man, pulling at his hair)

Sweeney: Ok, then…(Enters the pie shop, only to see Mrs. Lovett sitting in a chair, her back to him, rocking back and forth) Mrs. Lovett? You mean you're _not_ a werewolf? Oh, what a relief! I thought I was going to have to make you sleep in the cellar. Allergies, and all…(Notices she's not responding) Mrs. Lovett? (Turns the chair around, and he now sees her face, covered in a goofy grin, and she's blonde)

Mrs. Lovett: LYKE, MY NAME IS MADONNA MARIE ROSALINE CASPER LOVETT, AND I LYKE, WANT 2 TTTLY HAVE SWINY TOD'S BAYEES!!!111

Sweeney: Oh God…

(Suddenly, Toby exists the bake house, wearing a blonde wig and a min skirt) I M A PRERSTITUTE, BUT I HAS A HART OV GULD & LIK 2 BAKE PIES & OTHUR CRAPP LYKE DAT, & I _ALSO _WANT 2 HAVE SWEINIE TODDD'S BAAABIEIES…

Sweeney: Ok, guys, you can stop any time now…

Anthony: (Also wearing a blonde wig) SWEENY TODD!!!

Sweeney: You know, Anthony, you didn't even really change all that much.

Anthony: Yeah, but now I get to anally rape you.

Sweeney: How can this get any worse?!

Johanna: (Wearing an even blonder wig now. Jumps onto Sweeney) INCEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sweeney: WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS?!

(Suddenly, Judge Turpin door to the pie shop, shirtless and rubbing his nipples. He too is now blonde)

Judge Turpin: Hey there, Mr. T…want to run your fingers through my yellow hair?

(Suddenly, light filters through the window, and a chainsaw can be seen floating in the air. Sweeney brandishes his razor, chops off his hand, and places the chainsaw where his hand used to be)

Sweeney: (Slicing through the Mary Sues) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! (Braveheart music in the background) FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Suddenly, Sweeney wakes up in his own bedroom)

Sweeney: (Panting) Guess it was all a dream…(Looks down at his hand, which is still a chainsaw) Or not. Huh. Guess this makes masturbation out of the question...

* * *

**_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_**

**Sorry, haven't uploaded in a while.**

**I think this is the longest chapter though.**

**I'll love you forever if you can name all the horror movie referrences in your review.**

**Anyway, hope you enjoy.**

**R&R please.**


	12. Hookers and Awkwardly Placed Fire Exits

**_DISCLAIMER:_**

**I do not own Sweeney Todd, Starbucks, Elvis Pressley or Pretty Woman (Song _or _film), the "If you were Gay" song, the 24384754536568534 Scary Movies ****(And counting!), hooker outfits, Robert De Niro, Italians and spicy meatballs, or Wal-Mart.**

**I do not own Jack the Ripper (Although after Speech and Debate, I might as well), From Hell (Thank God), or Family Guy (You may have to look carefully for this reference).**

**Thank you for reading.**

* * *

(Sweeney is sitting in his barber chair, the chainsaw still attached to his wrist. Suddenly, Judge Turpin barges through the door)

Sweeney: (Scowling) Took you long enough.

Judge Turpin: (Shrugs) Sorry.

Sweeney: Are-are you drinking Starbucks coffee?

Judge Turpin: (Slurps the last from the straw) Possibly.

Sweeney: Starbucks doesn't even exist yet!

Judge Turpin: Yes, but I went to the future to get this.

Sweeney: And how the hell did you do that?

Judge Turpin: Apparently the woman who lives below you has a magical rolling pin that can send people to the future. I _was_ just going to put her on trial for being a witch, you know, but she showed me her boobies.

Sweeney: She…she showed you her…her _lovelies_?

Judge Turpin: (Nods) Yeah, and I think she could be even more fun raping than that Lucy bitch.

Sweeney: D:

Judge Turpin: Anyway, I'm totally ready for a shave, Mr. Todd. (Seductive wink)

Sweeney: Do you seriously hit on anything that can breed?

Judge Turpin: Well, this once time I was drunk at this party, and I tried to marry a shower curtain, which in fact _cannot_ breed, I'll have you know.

Sweeney: (Facepalm)

(Suddenly, a ringing noise can be heard)

Judge Turpin: Oh, that's me. (Takes out a cell phone) Yo, Judge T here, bitch!

Sweeney: You…you have a _cell phone_ now?

Judge Turpin: Oh, it's just Roger.

Sweeney: Roger? Let me talk to him! (Grabs the phone)

Roger: -And I'll have you know that if you ever come within thirty feet of me ever again, I'll have that sexual harassment case brought to court, do you hear me?

Sweeney: Roger, it's Mr. T. And Judge Turpin would be the one judging that sexual harassment case, stupid.

Roger: LE GASP! Mr. Todd! I never thought I'd ever see you again! (Hesitates) You…you still have that chainsaw?

Sweeney: (Looks down at his arm) Yeah. It'll make business a whole lot easier, now.

Roger: What business?

Sweeney: Oh nothing, I was just foreshadowing.

Roger: Anyway, Mr. Todd, if you aren't too busy or anything, I was wondering if you could just ask Nellie if she wanted to go out for some Starbucks coffee or something later tonight.

Sweeney: Nellie? As in Nellie _Lovett_?

Roger: Uh…yeah.

Sweeney: YOU TWO ARE ON A FIRST NAME BASIS NOW?! (Chucks the cell phone out the window)

Cat outside: REOW!!!!!!!!!!

Judge Turpin: Um…that was my cell phone.

Sweeney: (Sobs) WHY DOESN'T SHE LOVE ME????!!!! (Plops down in barber chair and begins to flail arms about in hilarious, but also saddening (But mostly funny) gestures)

Judge Turpin: Oh, Mr. Todd, you could just go the easier way, you know.

Sweeney: (Sniffs) Like what?

Judge Turpin: Well…

_If you were gay-_

Sweeney: (Throws the barber chair at Judge Turpin)

Judge Turpin: Or not.

Sweeney: There has to be some way I can drive her out of my mind!

Judge Turpin: Well, you could just pretend to shave my face for about ten or so minutes while singing about how amazingly sexy women are, if you'd like.

Sweeney: How _inviting_! Sit, sir, sit!

Judge Turpin: Squee! (Sits down)

Sweeney: (Squirts shaving cream onto Judge Turpin's face)

Judge Turpin: (Giggles) How suggestive of you, Mr. Todd…

Sweeney: -__- This will be so much easier if you just sing the lyrics in the script.

Judge Turpin: Oh, right…(Opens his mouth to sing)

Sweeney: I WANT HER TO LOVE ME!!!!!! (Starts flailing again)

Judge Turpin: (Wipes the shaving cream off of his face) There, there, Mr. Todd…I know exactly the thing to get your mind off of her.

Sweeney: It doesn't involve you raping me, does it?

Judge Turpin: No, but if you'd like-

Sweeney: Just tell me!

Judge Turpin: (Disappears into Sweeney's closet)

Sweeney: (Rolls eyes) I'm not going to come out of the closet with you, Turpin.

Judge Turpin: (Pops out of the closet, now dressed as a 'sexy' prostitute) TA-DA!

Sweeney: OH DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN, MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Judge Turpin: (Smirks) Too much to take in, eh?

Sweeney: OH, MY EYES, HOW THEY-wait…you found that outfit in _my _closet?

Judge Turpin: That's beside the point, because I also found one for you. (Throws a pile of clothes over to Sweeney)

Sweeney: Hell no.

Judge Turpin: Hell yes. (Throws a smoke bomb onto the ground, and once the green smoke clears, a coughing Sweeney Todd can be seen dressed as an even skimpier prostitute)

Sweeney: Ok, if you were going to have us dress like prostitutes, you could have at least made our outfits accurate to Victorian society!

Velvet Liquor: Are you kidding me? Victorian prostitutes were basically like really boring strippers.

(Cut to a Victorian prostitute entertaining a Victorian gentleman)

Victorian Prostitute: (Fully clothed) Wanna see my ankles, sweetheart? (Lifts dress up just high enough for her ankles to be seen)

Victorian Gentleman: OH GOD, YES! HARDER! HARDER!

(Cut back to Sweeney and Judge Turpin)

Sweeney: Well…that wasn't very arousing at all.

Judge Turpin: OH GOD, YES! HARDER! HARDER!

Sweeney: -__-

Judge Turpin: Ready to go out now, Mr. Todd?

Sweeney: Dressed like this? Are you kidding me? HELL NO!

Judge Turpin: HELL YES! (Snaps fingers, and suddenly they are standing in the middle of the street, Victorian passerby gawking at them)

Sweeney: (Facepalm)

Judge Turpin:

_Handsome female…_

(Winks at Sweeney)

Sweeney: (Sighs)

_Handsome female…_

(Suddenly, the two of them are strutting their stuff down Whitechapel, _Pretty Woman _background music playing)

Sweeney:

_Handsome female_

_Strolling down the walk_

Judge Turpin:

_Handsome female_

_Let me in your frock_

Sweeney:

_Handsome female_

_The kind I like to…fock?_

(Music abruptly screeches to a halt)

Judge Turpin: Excuse me, but 'fock'? Seriously?

Sweeney: **I WAS JUST TRYING TO RHYME, OK?**

Judge Turpin: (Shrugs)

_Handsome female…_

(Suddenly, Elvis pops up out of nowhere)

Elvis: Mercy…

Sweeney: Did Mrs. Lovett bring you here?

Elvis: (Winks at Sweeney)

_I don't believe you_

_You're not the truth_

_No one could look as good as you…_

Well, maybe not _you two_.

Sweeney: -__-

Judge Turpin: (Whispers to Sweeney) Oh, he wants me _bad_…I can tell.

Sweeney: (Rolls eyes)

(While Elvis continues to sing _Pretty Woman _in the background, Sweeney and Judge Turpin resume strutting their stuff down Whitechapel)

Sweeney: Do these fishnet stockings make my thighs look too beefy?

Judge Turpin: Are you kidding? I would _kill _you for those legs!

Sweeney: Funny…I would kill _you_ for _**REVENGE**_!

(Awkward silence)

Judge Turpin: Well, I'm just going to ignore that random outburst of suggestive violence and hatred, and I will also ignore any more of them that occur throughout the story, as they are sure to happen at least three more times in my presence.

Sweeney: Sounds like a plan to me!

Elvis:

_Handsome female…_

Judge Turpin:

_Handsome female…_

Sweeney:

_Handsome female…_

Elvis/Judge Turpin/Sweeney:

_HANDSOME FEMALE!!!!!!_

Sweeney/Judge Turpin: Ladies and gentleman, Elvis Presley!

(Canned audience clapping in the distance)

Fan girls: (Clad in Victorian attire to fit the canon) ELVIS, WE LOVE YOU!

Elvis: Well, I believe that's my cue. (Famous hip thrust, then runs off into the distance)

Fan girls: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! (Run after him)

(Suddenly, a dark, tall man in a flowing black trench coat and a top hat runs into Sweeney and Judge Turpin)

Jack the Ripper: Ewwwwwwwww, prostitutes!!!!!!! (Flaps wrists at Sweeney and Judge Turpin)

Sweeney: WTF?

Judge Turpin: I resent that, Mr. Ripper.

Jack the Ripper: I shall slit you whores from your necks down to your- (Lifts Sweeney's miniskirt up)…penis…oh. This is awkward.

Sweeney: That's what I've been saying ever since this parody started.

Jack the Ripper: (Suddenly remembers himself) **YOU DIDN'T SEE _ANYTHING!!!_** (Flaps coat and runs off down a random alleyway)

(Another man runs into Sweeney and Judge Turpin)

Frederick Abberline: Quick, which way did he go?!

Judge Turpin: (Looks at Sweeney, then at Abberline) Holy shit, it's like looking into a mirror, isn't it?

Sweeney: (Rolls eyes, and then points down the alleyway) He went that way.

Abberline: (Runs to the entrance to the alleyway, and then straightens up) Avast, you monster! I shall have you yet! The cries of the women you have slaughtered will not be unheard! I shall have you hanging from the gallows! I shall-

Sweeney: And you people _wonder_ why you never caught him?

Abberline: Oh. Right. (Runs down the alleyway)

Judge Turpin: Well. That was weird.

Sweeney: (Crosses arms and broods)

Audience Member #1: Is that, like, all he ever does?

Audience Member #2: He also glowers a lot too.

Sweeney: Oh, right. (Crosses arms, glowers and broods) Take me home.

Judge Turpin: Right. (Snaps fingers, and they suddenly find themselves in Sweeney's barber parlor)

Sweeney: Can we get back to the actual plot now?

Judge Turpin: Which means more suggestive shaving cream squirting, yes?

Sweeney: (Sighs) Yes, more suggestive shaving cream shenanigans.

Judge Turpin: Squee! (Sits down)

Sweeney: (Squirts shaving cream onto Judge Turpin's face)

Judge Turpin: (Giggles) How suggestive of you, Mr. Todd…

Sweeney: Are we recycling dialogue now?

Velvet Liquor: If it was funny the first time, it will be the second time too.

Sweeney: (Snorts) Yeah. Try telling that to Scary Movie 24384754536568534…

Judge Turpin: You know, Mr. Todd, all this running about dressed as a hooker with you has really shown me how much I like to fuck women.

Sweeney: Um…how?

Judge Turpin: (Raises eyebrows) Do I really need a _reason_?

Sweeney: No, I suppose you don't. So what do you like about women?

Judge Turpin: Sex.

Sweeney: -__- I'm just going to kill you now.

Judge Turpin: (Humming happily to himself)

(Suddenly, just as Sweeney is about to stab his chainsaw-arm into Judge Turpin's neck…)

Anthony: (Jumps out of the body-sized chest in the corner of the room) At last! After two chapters of chewing my way out of the corner of the chest, I am free! Now I can elope with my beloved Johanna!

(Awkward silence)

Judge Turpin: Johanna? Elope with you? HA! She wouldn't leave her sexy Judge Turpin for some scrawny little girly boy!

Anthony: You don't even know that she's a man!

(Another awkward silence)

Judge Turpin: But she's a-

Sweeney: Don't. It's just too funny.

Anthony: Now, in a clever ruse to get you to forget about my unfortunate outburst about your ward wanting to run off with some random stranger to Candy Mountain, I will now point to the decaying body in the chest!

Sweeney: GASP!

Judge Turpin: So? Nobody cares about Italians and their stupid spicy meatballs.

Robert De Niro: THAT'S-A ONE SPICY-A MEAT-A-BALL!

Sweeney/Anthony: GASP!

Judge Turpin: Is it wrong for a judge to be racist?

Anthony: Yes!

Sweeney: Of course it is!

(_Yet another _awkward silence)

Judge Turpin: (Pretends to yawn) Well, time to hit the old dusty trail…(Accidentally walk out the fire exit, and the screen is filled with buzzing alarms) Oh, found the fire exit. (Walks out the door)

Sweeney: …

Anthony: Well…

Judge Turpin: (Pokes his head through the front door) By the way, just thought you should know to not expect my business any more. I prefer not to associate myself with people who have awkwardly placed fire exits. (Exits)

Sweeney: Anthony?

Anthony: (Overly chipper) Yes, Mr. Todd?

Sweeney: _**GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SHOP!!!!!!!**_ (Revs chainsaw-arm)

Anthony: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! (Jumps out of the nearest window)

Sweeney: (Leans out the giant, Anthony-shaped hole in the window) I hope you died when you jumped out the window!!!!

Anthony: (Calling up) Yeah, well I didn't!

Sweeney: Well screw you, then!

Anthony: You only wish I would date ugly, bitter old men!

Sweeney: (Angrily sits down in his barer chair, then runs back over to the window) Well since you're not dead, Anthony, Mrs. Lovett needs some milk and some flour, and I'm running out of toilet paper. Could you run to the local Wal-Mart for us? (Suddenly, a rock hits Sweeney's face) Never mind. (Sits down and broods, the fire alarms still ringing)

* * *

**_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_**

_Psycho_

_Evil Dead_

_The Birds_

_Frankenstein_

_Phantom of the Opera_

_Twilight_

_Interview With the Vampire_

_Various werewolf flicks_

_The Shining_

_Night of the Living Dead_

_Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire_

_The Price is Right_

_Nightmare on Elm Street_

**These are the horror refs I remember putting into the last chapter, although I'm sure there could be more that I looked over.**

**Anyway, sorry it took me so long to get this chapter up. I've had, like, no time to do anything that wasn't school related.**

**I really love how Turpin came out in this chapter. Who knew he was into shower curtains too?**

**Anyway, R&R please. :)**


End file.
